by Kai | Oct 31, 2011 | Gaming and hobbies, Nanowrimo 11, National Novel Writing Month, The Home Office, Writing, writing habit, Books, Nanowrimo, Featured, Free for all
We move through our lives at a constant pace. We can accelerate or decelerate ourselves with a limited amount of success, but the speed we do things at, at our base rate at least, is probably something we’ll never change. Some of us rush headlong into everything and batter through life as fast as we can, hungry for as many new experiences as we can pick up, and tired at the end of each day because we’ve packed in so much.
Others go as slow as possible, savoring every step, and realising, deep down, that they can’t do everything they might want to.
My problem is I want to savor everything, but I want it all. I have too many hobbies, and too little time on my books for new stuff. I book far too much into my life, mostly because I can. My laptop became both my freedom and my curse, because now, there’s a whole world of reading and writing out there, and I get nothing done.
Facebook is a horrible blessing. I can meet and hang out with so many wonderful people, and keep an eye on my friends, and there are some really cool games on there, but, lets face it, I’ve got a nasty habit of refreshing my page again and again, and then wondering, at 2pm, where my day went.
Worst of all, I’m a person that moves through life with a momentum that pulls others along behind me. And lately, I kinda feel like I’m out in the middle of a great big ocean, with no chance of finding the new land I was aiming for. But it feels like I’m stranding other people now and I don’t like that feeling.
Momentum is working out where you’re going and I think that’s the biggest thing for me right now. I need to work out which map I’m working from – someone else’s or my own. If I’m working from someone else’s, where can I adapt it so it’s all mine – or if I’m going to dive on in headlong and do it all myself, I need to work out where I want to go – there are *so many* choices right now.
What I do know is tomorrow begins my ninth Nanowrimo. I’m really looking forward to it. It gives me another month to work out and plan the roller coaster that is about to be my life. One way or another, things will start resolving and working out the way I want to.
Plans are coming soon, though. I’m happy to report there *is* a plan, but it’s difficult to see whether it’s the right choice right now. So I’m going to have a bit of fun with my writing for a bit, and see where that takes me. It’s too easy for me to lose sight of what I wanted to do when I started out online – which was writing. I’ve gone all over the web since, looking for something that’s ‘all me’ but what I am, underneath it all, is a writer.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
by Kai | Oct 6, 2011 | Op-eds, and more, diet and lifestyle, Free for all, Non-fiction, Organisation, tapping the well, Hosting and Tech, writing habit
I’ve got a very specific routine to my writing day now – one that I thought people might be interested in.
I’ve mentioned in the past that music is really important to me – and up until last week, my morning started with my portable alarm clock (aka my phone) which I would listen to until I went down stairs, then music would go back on at exactly 8am, when the youngest went outside to wait for her taxi.
But the last week, at 8am, I’ve taken the chance to come upstairs with a cup of tea, and I’ve crucially left music off.
So, I write my task list and contemplate my day in silence. It’s nice because the bedroom/office I’m in is in full sunlight most of the morning, and into the afternoon when I finish up working for the day (if I’m not coming back to work later) so I’m getting plenty of light where I sit, and there is a tree near the window, so even now, as the weather is turning chilly (and man, it’s chilly this morning compared to the last week), I’ve got birdsong.
From there, I social network. Twitter and Facebook need constant feeding, and I think I put in 750 words there on their own. I’m still trying to find my stride with G+.
And after that, I start work proper. Usually about 8:45, but today, as Steve Jobs died (don’t come to this blog for breaking news, I’m always waaaaay behind the curve), I’m not starting until nearly 10am. With a full docket and email to troubleshoot as it’s randomly stripping attachments, I’m still melancholy. I guess it puts life into perspective when someone that achieved so much goes – not even because he was ‘young’ by today’s standards. Steve Jobs would have been missed whether we were talking about him dying today or in 20,30, 40 years time. That kind of impact will never be lost, even to history. And that’s some legacy to leave.
What I do know is that while I’ve been a PC person most of my life (due to expense rather than preference), my first ever laptop was a Mac. from my adopted brother – I bought it from him and wrote on it for nearly a year, until we moved south and it died. In that time, I even replaced the screen. I wouldn’t DARE try that on my PC 😉
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
by Kai | Oct 5, 2011 | things you don't know about me, Writing, Books, living with bipolar, Mental health, Reading and Reviewing, Free for all, Language, Personality
Cricket asked this and at first, I thought, ah, well, that’s easy.
I’m tech support. I’m a writer. I’m an extremely clever woman. I’m a graduate of Creative Writing.
I’m a mother. I’m the woman that’s dating one of the most amazing men in the world, bar none. I’m close friend to people that I can’t mention by name, because my privacy and theirs is worth more than the street cred it might get me.
But that’s all very ‘external’ and perception based.
So, I tried to go a little deeper. My name isn’t Kai, but it’s what everyone bar my family and a very few friends call me. My last name also isn’t Viola – yet. It’s not that we don’t intend to get married, it’s just that the practicality and expense of it all – it’s not only overwhelming, it’s so huge that I just can’t look at it. At all.
I’m nearly 33. Mother to two wonderful children here with me and one that had a name that passed over at ten weeks pregnant. Empty shell right now, because I can’t, for the life of me get and remain pregnant, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind a lot.
And that leads to thoughts of failure and loss. And I’m that too. I failed to do what was expected of me – many times. Hindsight being what it is, I know now that some of my difficulties are trying to function as ‘normal’ when I’m anything but. I’m an extraordinary woman, not least because I have bipolar disorder. It’s not just a disorder though, it’s shaped my whole perspective, personality and way of life. I have a fair idea what the day is going to bring when I wake up, but there’s always that rogue chance I’ll be off cycle, and anxiety, which I always pretty much accepted as background noise is something that’s slowly becoming less like a sly whisper in the back of my head and a shout that drowns out everything *out there*. And I know some of that is to do with my thought pattern.
Ans the language I use, which is something else that I am. I am a language Geek. Capital G. I love linguistics and have found my favourite field in linguistics to study, if only I could find the money to do it.
Some of the reason I failed though was fear. Whether I accept I’m paralysed by it, or have a world to create around it, shielding myself from the things that make me feel that way remains to be seen, but what I do know right now is that I dislike it. A lot. I’m afraid of everything.
Afraid people will see through me and realise I’m a fraud.
Afraid that people will find that out, and tell others.
Afraid that what I’m doing is somehow *not enough* and that when it comes down to it, my life will be a series of moments that I missed.
It’s still external and tied to an event though. And if that’s all I am, a series of events, doesn’t that make me a series of moments, and though I can’t say that the good always outweigh the bad on a year to year basis, there are more neutral to good days in our house. So, doesn’t that make me mostly neutral good? (Or lawful-neutral for our gaming readers ;)) But that’s not me either. Because those moments, even if they were instigated, orchestrated and meticulously recorded by only me, are still external.
Who am I?
I’m Kai. I’m not perfect, and I know that deep inside of me there’s a crack that I skillfully and artfully make people ignore,much like the hole in Amelia Pond’s wall. I am a geek, and the carrier of worlds that, lets me fair, only currently exist in a very warped mind, bundled up in fair, freckled skin, vibrant red hair, and a body that ends up in corsets a lot less regularly than I’d wish for. I’m NOT famous, and doing my level best to keep it that way, but I am a writer and artist. A good one if my degree is to be believed, and those that have pried my stories off of my hard drive can tell.
I leave a legacy in my kids of an amazing pair of children, with strong personalities – a legacy I currently get to enjoy each and every day, so I’m a shaper of the future, no matter how transient that influence, and I’m a good friend, who goes out of her way to do what she can to help, protect and support those she cares about, though, I fail quite often at that too.
I’m learning. I’m Kai.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
That sounds like so much fun! I love games, especially RPG. Haven't played with a group in a few years.…