Cricket asked this and at first, I thought, ah, well, that’s easy.
I’m tech support. Â I’m a writer. Â I’m an extremely clever woman. Â I’m a graduate of Creative Writing.
I’m a mother. Â I’m the woman that’s dating one of the most amazing men in the world, bar none. Â I’m close friend to people that I can’t mention by name, because my privacy and theirs is worth more than the street cred it might get me.
But that’s all very ‘external’ and perception based.
So, I tried to go a little deeper.  My name isn’t Kai, but it’s what everyone bar my family and a very few friends call me.  My last name also isn’t Viola – yet.  It’s not that we don’t intend to get married, it’s just that the practicality and expense of it all – it’s not only overwhelming, it’s so huge that I just can’t look at it.  At all.
I’m nearly 33. Â Mother to two wonderful children here with me and one that had a name that passed over at ten weeks pregnant. Empty shell right now, because I can’t, for the life of me get and remain pregnant, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind a lot.
And that leads to thoughts of failure and loss. Â And I’m that too. Â I failed to do what was expected of me – many times. Â Hindsight being what it is, I know now that some of my difficulties are trying to function as ‘normal’ when I’m anything but. Â I’m an extraordinary woman, not least because I have bipolar disorder. Â It’s not just a disorder though, it’s shaped my whole perspective, personality and way of life. Â I have a fair idea what the day is going to bring when I wake up, but there’s always that rogue chance I’ll be off cycle, and anxiety, which I always pretty much accepted as background noise is something that’s slowly becoming less like a sly whisper in the back of my head and a shout that drowns out everything *out there*. Â And I know some of that is to do with my thought pattern.
Ans the language I use, which is something else that I am.  I am a language Geek.  Capital G. I love linguistics and have found my favourite field in linguistics to study, if only I could find the money to do it.
Some of the reason I failed though was fear. Â Whether I accept I’m paralysed by it, or have a world to create around it, shielding myself from the things that make me feel that way remains to be seen, but what I do know right now is that I dislike it. Â A lot. Â I’m afraid of everything.
Afraid people will see through me and realise I’m a fraud.
Afraid that people will find that out, and tell others.
Afraid that what I’m doing is somehow *not enough* and that when it comes down to it, my life will be a series of moments that I missed.
It’s still external and tied to an event though. Â And if that’s all I am, a series of events, doesn’t that make me a series of moments, and though I can’t say that the good always outweigh the bad on a year to year basis, there are more neutral to good days in our house. Â So, doesn’t that make me mostly neutral good? (Or lawful-neutral for our gaming readers ;)) Â But that’s not me either. Â Because those moments, even if they were instigated, orchestrated and meticulously recorded by only me, are still external.
Who am I?
I’m Kai. Â I’m not perfect, and I know that deep inside of me there’s a crack that I skillfully and artfully make people ignore,much like the hole in Amelia Pond’s wall. Â I am a geek, and the carrier of worlds that, lets me fair, only currently exist in a very warped mind, bundled up in fair, freckled skin, vibrant red hair, and a body that ends up in corsets a lot less regularly than I’d wish for. Â I’m NOT famous, and doing my level best to keep it that way, but I am a writer and artist. Â A good one if my degree is to be believed, and those that have pried my stories off of my hard drive can tell.
I leave a legacy in my kids of an amazing pair of children, with strong personalities – a legacy I currently get to enjoy each and every day, so I’m a shaper of the future, no matter how transient that influence, and I’m a good friend, who goes out of her way to do what she can to help, protect and support those she cares about, though, I fail quite often at that too.
I’m learning. Â I’m Kai.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
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