The blog of D Kai Wilson-Viola

Author, advocate, designer, mental health advocate and parent. 

B is for Books – Walking off the earth #Finalchapterinthisbook #newbook #atozchallenge

B is for Books – Walking off the earth #Finalchapterinthisbook #newbook #atozchallenge

I’ve had many ‘this is my hardest’s to deal with – probably more than anyone my age has any right to deal with in some ways.  But this one hit the hardest about three days ago, and I thought there was going to be a bit of give, a bit of wriggle room, but no.  I finally encountered the words that just broke me in two.  And I won’t repeat them.  I’ve deleted them.  But I came to a screeching halt, and I’m not sure how things will change, but change they absolutely will.  

But first – I have a heck of a lot of grieving and coming to terms with things to do – and I need to build an actual, sensible plan to sustain my businesses.  And I have to accept that part of that is digging out my work ethic and dealing with everything that’s gone on lately and putting things right. And I’ve come to the conclusion that to do that, this book needs to end.  This story, no matter that it’s not a happily ever after needs to become something that we relegate to the ‘not touching’ drawer.  Not everything that’s happened – no, they’re elements that can be reused.  But the tale of the sad girl that lives inside her house and does nothing…that’s a bust.  That’s so much of a bust we’re not making it past the first draft.

I’m not ashamed but…

When you’re where I am, you’re not *supposed* to admit bullying gets to you.  I’m the moderator of one of the biggest indie communities on Facebook, I run a lot of things for a lot of different people and I find myself, daily, waking up and dreading the comments that appear here, and on the other blogs, I run.  In my inbox, on Twitter, by PM on Facebook. And, in with that realisation is that I’m as unkind to myself as all of these people.  My self-talk is terrible.  I’d rather sleep (or try to) than work.  And I hate admitting that, but my sleep is disturbed again, and it’s getting difficult to do *much* of anything.

I do have one ray of light though, beyond my family, who are just the best, and my friends, who equally rock, and that’s my books. I’ll be talking about them more naturally in the coming days, but for now, I just wanted to thank anyone that’s supported me as a writer. I don’t always get to write, but it is one of my few places of solace. And if I’m walking off this earth to another, I couldn’t do it without knowing that I was writing the story as I went.

Today’s other AtoZ’s on the blogs I take part on.

Books by Kai – Black Monday
Fiction by Kai – the Knight of Coins
Bi-polar bears – Being, not doing
These our Fandoms – a quick skimmer onto the things in Battle Ground by Jim Butcher.

Oh, if you want to keep track of all my posts in one place, I set up a syndicated blog again. It’ll have everything in it, eventually, though it does take a few hours to catch up with stuff!
See you tomorrow!
A little known fact about me – I’m really quite shy

A little known fact about me – I’m really quite shy

Santiago Maggi Book Signing

Image by miamism via Flickr

*updated May 2011*

Semi-public figure (author) and shy really don’t sit well in the same sentence with me. And though I know what I’m talking about, can confidently answer questions about everything from Forensic Linguistics to WordPress, I’m really quite shy.
There’s a myriad of reasons for it – to the point that I’ve got a biohazard tattoo as a bit of tongue in cheek fun about something very serious. I have a huge problem with my self-image.
Massive in fact.

That’s the first part of ‘me’ I hate – I’m a size 18 (UK), which to me, is about as overweight as I’m going to let myself get – I’m not happy about it by a long shot.   I know other people have other barriers, and I ‘carry it very well’ (according to my beloved anyway) but I hate being overweight. I’m 5’5 or there abouts, so a size 18 is about a 40 round my waist, and more at my ample bust line, and lets not even talk about my butt…..

It goes deeper than that though – I’ve always hated the ‘me’ that stares back from the mirror at me. I struggle to understand why people like me, and am flabbergasted that my fiancée is still with me after nearly seven years of craziness. I have two beautiful children (we’re talking model level for my son and Hannah Montana lookalike for my daughter (just without the wigs and the odd teeth)) but I’m anything but pretty. People tell me I am, and though I’m aware arguing with them seems false and like I’m looking for compliments, I’ve always believed, always *will* believe that I’m adequate, average, plain and happy to remain that way.  I’ve even got a tattoo that sums it up – a biohazard symbol on the base of my spine.
So yeah, I’m shy – and it’s one of the things I’d like to change in the near future.  Writing isn’t the easiest thing to do when you’re shy – but the internet kinda helps.

One of the best things about the internet is I can do lots of my promotion online – when I’m talking about writing, I can do it online – or at a push, I can take part in teleconferencing.  What I can’t currently do is stand up in front of people – there’s an open mic night at a pub local to the University that scared the living daylights out of me – to the degree that I haven’t ever been back.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle stuff like that in the future – it’s possible that I’ll just play the ‘shy recluse’ author, but at the same time, I’d really love to be brave enough to meet people who are reading my books.
It’s a long way off, but it’s one of the things that make me hesitate to keep pushing forwards with my books.  I’m pretty certain one of my posts in the next week over at Writer’s Bookshelf is going to be about ‘fear’, but I’m curious about other writers and how they handle being shy.
Edit – I finally put up a photo of me online smiling and looking directly at the camera – it’s a big step.

Kai’s book, Glass Block, is due out in August.

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