I’m doing two posts today – C for Cats, and C for CPTSD. In the early 2000’s, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I went through a period of needing medications, which sorta worked, sorta didn’t. By 2014, after losing a job I loved, I really didn’t have an easy time of it. It led to a lot of issues, eventually, with my mental health treatment and that’s a whole other story, but it also led to me being given to a team that finally decided I might have Complex PTSD.
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by prolonged or repeated trauma. This trauma can be physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological.
CPTSD is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but it’s more complex. People with CPTSD may have trouble regulating their emotions, trusting others, and feeling safe. They may also have difficulty forming relationships, holding down a job, and feeling good about themselves.
The symptoms of CPTSD can vary from person to person. Some common symptoms include:
Flashbacks and nightmares about the traumatic event
Avoidance of anything that reminds you of the trauma
Negative changes in mood, such as feeling hopeless, numb, or helpless
Difficulty trusting others
Feeling isolated and alone
Changes in physical health, such as headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue
If you think you may have CPTSD, it’s important to see a mental health professional. There is no one-size-fits-all treatment for CPTSD, but therapy can be helpful. There are also many self-help strategies that can be helpful, such as mindfulness and yoga.
A personal view of CPTSD
Many people pick up CPTSD for abuse as a child, and while that’s technically true of me, instead of it being familial abuse (I was *very* lucky to have a loving extended family that raised me with my mother), I had issues, instead, with my peers. I was bullied, badly, until late high school. And while it used to be believed that bullying was character forming, honestly? Though it made me who I am now, and some of that is really interesting and there’s a lot about me that I think was formed by my issues with my mental health, and it’s not ALL bad, some of it is. I don’t blame the kids I grew up with, I don’t blame the teachers who thought it was ok. It’s all pretty…blameless, right up to the last couple of years, and even then, I write most of it off as ‘we were kids’. Because that’s the truth. Even when we weren’t…we were.
How it affects me
I’m not entirely sure how to explain how my mental health is, but the last few years have been an exploration and a start to untangling, on my own (after two AMAZING years with Dr C and M, at Avon House). Well, I say on my own, but my family and friends have helped, a lot. But I’ve done a lot of work, I think. From mindset to trying to teach myself to trust people more, to working on my anxiety…it’s a whole ball of stuff. But, I’ve got some of the standard issues which arise from CPTSD, and a couple of non-standard ones. Anxiety, and issues with seeing and hearing things are my major ones, but I struggle with understanding if people are angry or upset. I also struggle with isolation, depression and more.
That said, there’s a lot of things that I’ve also learned. I have a great mindfulness program that I follow and I meditate several times a week. I’ve got my coping mechanisms, and most of all, and as I’ll talk more about in L for Ludosport, I’ve got an in person community that I exercise with, and they support me too. Plus I’ve got a tonne of friends online. I’ve spent the last few weeks and months, especially working through the information that I’ve got and I’m writing about it now. That I’ll be talking about in R, on Booksbykai.
I’ve struggled, and might struggle again in the future, and my mental health will waver, but I’m learning, and working through it. Like being mildly autistic, CPTSD is one of those things that I’m actually comfortable with now, though I do admit I fought quite hard at first.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
I’m going to get right to the point with this post. My birth name isn’t Kai. Or Kaiberie.
My birth name is Donna.
A name I don’t relate to
I personally believe that our name is one of the things that define us. And while I know the definition of Donna is ‘lady’ in Italian, I’ve never felt particularly ladylike. I am, in fact, the biggest tomboy moving. I’m actually quite proud of that fact, and don’t avoid hobbies just because ‘that’s not for girls’ (it comes up less now, but it was quite common, even in the gaming community until recently).
I always have been. From being more interested in computers, and playing RPGs (D&D was bought for me, for the first time, when I was nine). I was a cadet; I loved being online at internet cafes, I love computer games.
As I’ve grown older, though I am definitely ‘feminine’, the name Donna has really been associated with some really bad memories and some of the worst times of my life. And most importantly, it doesn’t feel like me.
So, I changed my name
I’ve been Kai since, basically separating from the father of my children. I’m very open about it not being my legal name (yet), but it *is* my preferred name.
Funnily enough though, Kai and Donna, though they have some differences, are still quite interestingly linked. A little at least in my mind.
Kai in various languages
Kai has various meanings, depending on the language you’re thinking of, and while it’s considered a gender-neutral name, it’s rarer for a girl to be called it than a boy. In my case, it’s short for Kaiberie, but even at Kai, I feel the Hawaiian ‘Sea’, the Mauri ‘Food’, the Welsh ‘Keeper of Keys, or earth’ and even the Japanese ‘shell’. I feel it fits me more than the definition of Donna.
But…all, even ‘warrior’ which is apparently from Frisian roots, and a short form of the name Kaimbe, kind of is with me.
All of them are nurturing, kind (well, except warrior), fierce, life-sustaining and life-giving. Much like everything that people say about women, and so while I’ve changed my name, I feel I’m still kinda true to it.
Just…don’t call me Donna.
(and for those of you that ask, you now know why there’s a D at the start of my pen name).
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
A melting pot of cultures, loud bagpipes, in endless loops1 the Fringe, Hogmanay, Beltaine, the city alive, beautiful, brilliant.
Athens-like Folly2, overlook some modern shames, like the ever tripline replacing trams3, whose tracks warp, even in the flash summers of Scotland.
The misheard street names, that of Princes Street, in front of Queen, we stand there, by the Scott Monument, our picturesque ‘Goth Rocket’4 waiting, for the One o’clock gun, tourists asking when, bemused residents answering, asking one another “if it’s not just in the name?”
Look out over the gardens, then back, A mishmash of souvenir shops, blaring traditional music, the echo of bagpipes, forever kept, the hotel fronts, or grab a coffee and transport stops with dual purpose
Go down, past the galleries, travel to Haymarket, and beyond, find the woodlands, the water, Go to the Braids, solitude, space, and isolation, in the centre of one edge or to the Pentlands to Water of Leith, dance out in Colinton, where Princes may have walked, leading me back home.5
Notes
1 – I’m not complaining about the bagpipes, I actually like them, but for the month of the Fringe, it’s just a wall of sound. Understandably, but it’s a lot.
2 – The Folly referred to here, is also called ‘Edinburgh’s Shame’. It was built, and then ran out of money and was never completed. It was abandoned in 1829. It’s beautiful, and it’s also the backdrop for Beltane’s fire festival.
3 – No one really likes the trams, not anyone I’ve spoken to. There’s been a lot of backlash about them. i betcha though, saying this, I’ll be told they’re actually ok now. All I know is that they’re one of the major things both our families talk about as an issue with things happening in the city. Recently, the only thing they’ve been more annoyed about is the random bike lanes popping up like vines.
5 – I used to walk from the centre of town, home. I’d start on Princes Street, after walking down from my now partner’s flat a few streets away, walk to Haymarket, then up to Fountainbridge, pick up the Union Street Canal, then come off it, onto the Water of Leith and home, to the Calders or Wester Hailes. It was a long walk, but I loved it, especially in spring.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
I actually do a lot for fun. From writing and blogging, to LudoSport (which I’ll be blogging about later this month), gaming (tomorrow) of all sorts, reading and gardening. I also do lots of crafty things, from using my Cricut, diamond paintings, knitting and learning now (or trying to learn) to crochet, cross-stitch, and I’ll be learning to make macrame creations. I’d love to learn to do resin artwork too, but it’s on my later list, cause there’s only so many hours in the day.
Fun, or downtime
While I used to struggle with this, downtime is one of those things that I now specifically schedule for. I write as a job, but I also love writing in general, so I count that as work AND play. I also blog, because I like sharing information, and giving people the support they need.
I exercise in the garden, and at LudoSport, and I enjoy going for walks in gardens, and Arboretums and in parks and forests. I love nature in general really, and it’s nice to spend the time with my family. I also meditate (again, I’ll write about that) later in the month, and yoga. I also collect various things – dice, artwork from games, books, and FunkoPops.
I also have models for my games, and my computers, and consoles. I enjoy spending time with my family, and love my cats. Most of my stuff though, is included in my awesome banner. See what you can spot 😉
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
I think Neil Gaiman said it best in American Gods introduction when he said,
“It goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead, and otherwise, in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real.”
When it comes to writing, I think that’s actually kinda accurate. And as a writer, our fictional characters are pretty much fictionally contextual (we make them up), but the gods of our stories are real. But, for me, mythology and gods are a little bit ‘real’ too. I’m both Pagan, and adore mythology. And I love how much you can go looking and find a rich tapestry, with, well, a lot of the same tropes. There are gods and myths the world over. I’m more familiar with a lot of Western Mythology than Eastern, but in everything I’d encountered and read, I’ve found a great deal if interesting crossovers and similarities, themes and inspirations.
And that’s what makes them real
I think, at the end of the day, that’s what makes the gods ‘real’, as Mr Gaiman put it. We relate to the stories that we’re listening to, reading, learning.
If you’ve been on my Facebook feed recently, you’ll know that I’ve picked up a set of books for my next project, and I’m really excited about the new projects 🙂
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
That sounds like so much fun! I love games, especially RPG. Haven't played with a group in a few years.…