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The blog of D Kai Wilson
The blog of D Kai Wilson

The blog of D Kai Wilson

Reading, writing and more!

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C is for….

I bet everyone can tell what this post is going to be about. Yep. Cats! I love my cats. We recently lost my adorable girl, so after we got everything cleaned (she had a permanent URI) and grieved,
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Blogging a-z 2013 Books Books and reading Books and writing Novels Writing writing habit writing well

B is for…

Well…B is for a lot of things actually.  I’ll be doing ‘B is for Books’ over at AlexandriaPublishingGroup later today, but for now I wanted to touch on the books, and some other stuff that B is for.

In our house, B is for something we just can’t have yet.  Not because we can’t afford it, or because we don’t want one – in fact, as long as I remain fairly successful as a freelancer, money really isn’t a problem, neither will be taking maternity leave.
And there, with that one word, you’ll know that I’m talking about babies.  I’ll be doing a full post on it in ‘I is for infertility’, but I prefer the sound of babies to ‘infertility’, so there you go.

As I’m talking about this on my mostly personal blog, I’m going to say only this – it’s been one of the toughest things I’ve had to deal with in our relationship, so when Kushka died earlier last month, I think it just all got to me – not that I’d have grieved less if we’d had a baby – but she WAS our baby in many ways.  And yep, we’ve got a pair of kitten(ish) cats now, who are slowly settling right in, but I’d still give anything to have my girl back.  Even though I love the two new ones, Kush really was one in a billion.
But, we move on.  Humans perceive time in odd ways – and I still cry looking at the photos, but there’s two new bundles of fun to snuggle, and I’m sure, given how spoiled and loved they are, adding a baby to that mix, if we ever manage it is going to be fine.

So, I can’t have babies right now – it’s not the end of the world, right?  Well, no, actually in some ways it really is.  I feel like a failure – not that we can’t conceive (oh, look, c is for knocked up), but because we can.  My body just has a conniption, gives me all of the fun stuff that early pregnancy has  – exhaustion, nausea, throwing up, peeing like there’s no tomorrow, then, after about a week, if I’m lucky, I lose it.
If that weren’t traumatic enough, it’s my other half’s first baby.  I have two children from a previous relationship, but wouldn’t you know, I’ve been in this one for nine years (twice as long as my relationship with the father of my children).

And also for…

B is also for Iain Banks – he and Dan Abbnett told me (separately, but in the same month) that if I didn’t write, it would be a crime, or sentiments to that effect – having lost several greats this year already (James Herbert, Dave Silva and Rick Hautala) I’m really beginning to feel like I should be publishing, and be dammed with the rest of the stuff that occupies my life.  I was 17 when they told me, half a lifetime ago.

B is for Bah.

My favorite word this month – Camp Nanowrimo is upon us.  You might want to hop on over to Author interrupted to find out about that one.

B is for bombtastic

Bit of a spoiler here, sorry guys, but after Glass Block launches (I hope on Friday), there will be some A-Z challenge posts appearing on DarknessPD.  Items like E is for Elliot, M is for Morrigan, C is for Clones and B is for…well….bomb blasts.

🙂  Ain’t I a stinker?

B is for Blogging

I’ve been asked what it is about me and blogs.  I guess I’m not very good at explaining that, but I love keeping blogs.  I mean…almost as much as I love reading and writing.  I’m trying to rework my blogs though, so that they’re more regularly updated – alongside B is for Blogs, be is also for Bi-polarbears, the mental health advocate site I run which was 10 last month.

And finally….

B is for Books.  I love books.  Almost as much as I love my cats.  I’m an avid reader – I’ve got a lovely Kindle, and an Ipad so I can read no matter what, and it’s something I really miss.  I was going to start a film review blog later in the month, but i may add recommended book reviews to that too.  Not that I’ll review books, but that I’ll recommend books with a review, on my terms :).

 

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The Blogging A to Z – a is for Allonsy

So.  I signed up for the ‘Blogging A-Z‘ project, and though I thought that I’d be doing something else by now, I thought I’d go with this idea.

A is for Allonsy.

I think I’m really showing the geek streak for this first one.  Allon-sy is what the 10th Doctor (Dr Who)  said when he ran off to do stuff.  And of all the Doctors, David Tennant was my favorite of the most recent ones.

It’s not the reason a lot of people think of.
Dr Who was something I loved growing up – like many other geeky kids, I have fairly unfocussed, but vivid memories of hiding behind the couch when the Cybermen came on TV, or the Daleks.  So having Dr Who back was great.  And it came back as my life began to change for the better.  By the time the 10th incarnation came onto our screens for the first time, I was deeply into the relationship I’m still in now (it’s our 9th anniversary this month),  I was settled, and I was writing.  By the time the catchphrase ‘Allon-sy’ came up as often as it had, it was 2007, and I’d moved house, and was about to start Uni.  So that specific catchphrase is something I associate with some of the happiest and most settled times of my life.

The fact that it was David Tennant probably helped though. And given the BBC produce one of my absolute favorite programs (Sherlock – I’ll talk about that later), I’m just glad that some of the writers that are now doing the stuff I really love had a hand in the show.

The thing about Dr Who is though, when you think about it, is that you’re getting great storytelling, drama and interest in a sci fi show that has become cult.  And though I disliked one of the writers and felt his shows were weaker when watching, some of the absolute BEST things I’ve seen have come from there.  I loved ‘Blink’ (and am making a little cubee for my desk of the Weeping Angels), I loved all of the library episodes, and I really REALLY enjoyed the first of what I hope will be many Neil Gaiman episodes.  Though, I know that was the 11th Doctor 😉

A is also for…

Alexandria Publishing Group.  That’s the writing and publishing co-operative I’m involved with.  We keep a blog and lots of great content appears on the site – but there’s also some of the most amazing indie books that you’ve maybe never heard of on the site itself – we’ve got some incredible writers, so if you want to, go over and explore !

 

The Home Office The office cat's guide to Blogging Writing writing habit

Kushka…The best six years we could ever have wished for

I’ve been trying to write this post for about a month.  And each time I do, I end up crying and backing away from it.  But it’s with the heaviest heart that I report that Kushka Viola, aka OfficeCat, was put to sleep on February 26th, after a short but valiant battle with her various illnesses.
The last post was a few days to go until Glass Block…..
The day before the release was the other half’s birthday, but the night before,  Kushie was having trouble breathing.  We thought it was another infection (Kush had a URI from adoption) and steamed her and put her in her box with her nebuliser and on Monday, called the vet.  The vet came to get her, and then everything kinda exploded in our faces.

Monday, we discovered that she had pneumonia so bad they couldn’t see her lungs, probably had diabetes and was really sick.  We didn’t think it could get much worse than that, so, we kept trying for another day.  She was completely out of it, and the vet said she’d gone blue at one point, so we knew it was bad.  We reluctantly asked that they didn’t resuscitate her and thought happy thoughts that she’d fight.  And fight she did.

Remember that ‘it couldn’t get any worse’.  We were wrong.  Tuesday confirmed her diabetes, pneumonia in one lung at the back, and a ‘growth’ in her chest that the vet couldn’t really identify.  It could have been an abscess, it could have been her lymph nodes.  It could have been much worse.
Diabetes in cats is difficult, or at least that’s what we were told.  Diabetes in cats like Kush, with permanent URI’s….might have been impossible.
Pneumonia…she could have recovered.  She’d have never been the same, but again, with her nose infection, she’d have really struggled, and it would have been a long road.
And then there was that growth.
I just couldn’t put her through it any more – neither could David.  We let her go on Tuesday 26th February, cuddled up in my arms.
I really miss my gorgeous girl.  I miss getting batted and beaten up because I’m not stroking her fast enough when she hops up on the couch.  I miss finding her waiting to be steamed as my bath is running.  I miss her singing, even at three in the morning.  I even miss her funny sneezes.

But….we had the best six years any owner could ask for.  She was an amazingly intelligent, cuddly but independent girl who loved nothing more than to snuggle on the couch next to us, or park herself on the windowsill.  The daft cat that went missing and was so happy to see me when the other half picked her up that she was reaching through the cage batting at me.  Our gas fire in the living room was her friend – she’d rub up against it waiting for it to be turned on, and slept happily in front of it.  And she sang.  Oh my goodness was she loud.  I miss her jumping on my laptop to make me close it.  I miss her coming to get me when I’m sad.  I just miss HER.

I thought I’d share this with everyone though – because she doesn’t deserve to not be remembered and enjoyed by others.
So.

I thought I’d share all of the gorgeous pictures that made us smile.

Kushka
Kushie, the Office Cat
My seat
Did you know this was WARM?
Oh HAI!
I’m gorgeous and I know it.
Arty cat go zzzzz
Faceroll!
She really did sleep like this…
Ooooh…is that something to eat?
My clothes!
Cat in a tunnell
Fllllump

Bye baby girl.  We miss you so much.

 

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Back in the saddle

I dunno, lately I’ve really felt like doing absolutely nothing (probably evident from the gap in the blog posts huh?)

Being as outspoken as I am kinda has a lot of drawbacks. I say kinda, because one, I wouldn’t change it for the world, and two, even if I do get kicked into next week occasionally for the stuff that I say, it doesn’t change the idea of saying it.

But I woke up this morning actually wanting to write a blog.  Multiple blogs.
I’ve got a pile to finish up for places like After the Novel and my blog at Book Junkies, and I’ve got PR work to do for clients, and editing, and formatting.
How I’ve affected a bit of a change to my attitude is that I’m not answering emails after 10pm at night unless *I* want to.  I’m not getting back out of bed and hopping ‘quickly’ on my laptop to do something.  Instead, I get a nice hot bath running, if I’m grabbing one, and I watch an episode of Red Dwarf.  Another one in bed, while winding down/reading.
It’s done wonders for my outlook, and when I get to sleep.  I’m still struggling somewhat with waking up at 8am/earlier, but I’m getting better.  It might also be more sunlight, because I spend a lot of time writing in the guest room/office/eventual nursery, but I’m  feeling brighter and getting more done.

t -5 days to Glass Block 🙂

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How things play out – aka, why it’s taken nearly 11 years to publish Glass Block

I’m inches from publishing my first full-length novel under my own name, and I was going to kinda let it pass without comment, and then I thought ‘I think I wanna talk about this’.
The following is a bit maudlin, a bit ‘ow, crossed legs’ for writers, a bit dumb luck and a bit scary really.  So if you wanna skip it, I understand.
But this is the story of Glass Block.

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New site, snoopy dance

Yeah, ok.
I took a bit of a break from blogging when I looked around and realized I needed to write 12 blogs, five days a week, just to keep my own stuff updated, let alone the copywriting I was doing for clients.

So, I took a break – and that break turned from three weeks to three months, to a year plus.  I’m just getting back into it now, but…
So.  I’m back.
Eventually, this site will merge with kaiberie.com – right now in fact, this site contains all of it’s posts + a couple of new ones, and is the ‘newer’ site, but that’s only because I’m trying to get a couple of things done on the site where it’s hosted right now.

🙂

As ever, the theme is in flux.  As ever, that’s perfectly ok.  🙂  Welcome!

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Free books for you to peruse

A new feature of these blogs, I thought I’d share collections of free books for you to peruse.

This week, I’m starting with our collective, with links to the site where you can check out everyone.

So…Introducing my inaugural book recommendations.

We’ve got several books available this weekend, and we’d love it if you could come on over and download them.

Nike’s Wings by Valerie Douglas

“adventure, political intrigue, espionage and betrayal at the highest levels…” Nike’s Wingshttp://www.amazon.com/dp/B005GHE94K By Valerie Douglas, you can read more about it on our site, here.   

The Devil’s Diary by Paul Kater

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/146884 Follow the life of the Devil for 30 days, and learn that it is not all brimstone and roses. Prepare to meet archangels and see what can go wrong! Note: this book is not for the very religious or faint of heart. By Paul Kater – you can read more here.  

Magnum Opus by Jonathan Gould

#Free on #Amazon. Fantasy that’s slightly skewed. Tolkien with a twist. Magnus Opum. http://amzn.to/HzzcjD#fantasy #humor #satire Magnus Opum

By Jonathan Gould – read more here.  

Second Death By Donna K. Fitch

Mark’s relationship with his father is definitely complicated. #free #kindle #paranormal Second Death http://amzn.to/SecDeathKindle You can meet Donna K. Fitch here.  

Cataclysm, Return of the Gods by Stephen H. King

Cataclysm CoverFree this weekend! http://www.amazon.com/CATACLYSM-Return-Gods-ebook/dp/B007ALLJC0 Follow Crystal as she learns she’s the wife of Mars, the God of War, and has to battle the Goddess of Love for his attention…and her life. Read more about Cataclysm here, and meet Stephen here.   Have fun with our free books this weekend!

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Do it in chunks

Hello y’all.  Long time no write, I know.  Things are changing again, and I thought I’d make sure I at least caught everyone up.
A couple of days ago, I came to a couple of huge epiphanies –  some that I can’t blog about, because I don’t want to hurt the people involved.  So, instead, I’m just going to skip straight through problem/dissection and hit solution.

I’m not writing my own stuff any more.  This is, health wise, probably about the most fatal thing I can do.  Even at Uni, I got the freedom to write *something* that was mine –  since taking on work as a copywriter and editor though, that time as diminished right down to nothing.  Faced with two choices, I’ve done the only thing I know how so far –  I’ve procrastinated my ass off.  And that’s making me worse.

So, now that I’ve worked out, probably, what is having most impact on my mental health is not writing, and doing work for other people (which I love, but doesn’t do anything for *me* and right now, I need something, anything to go right that isn’t tied to something that someone else has done. I’m glad I edit award winning books for example, but all I’ve done, really is tell the people involved why x comma should move, and why y comma should be a em dash, changed some words, corrected some spellings, caught some tautologies and that’s about it. It’s not as if I wrote it is it).
It’s not envy exactly – not jealousy that I spend my time doing work on other people’s stuff and don’t have time for mine.
So, I’m starting 500 words at a time. I’m going to write 750 words in the morning, on the desktop (in the office), once the kids have left for school. That’s my daily commitment to 750 words – and I’m going to do it every morning. I’ll just have to chase people and teach them that I need it. That’s going to be my free writing stuff. I’m going to edit and copywrite, as is my job, and then I’m going to write some more at lunch time. Depending on whether the edit is ‘slow’ or not, I’ll get to write less of my stuff or more, but that’s ok.

I’m also going to blog slightly less. But more regularly. Three blogs, on a schedule. I’m going to redirect everything else. I’ll backup the archives and that’ll be ok, but I’m not going to push myself to actually have a more personal world on recount. I don’t think anything in my personal life that isn’t about something that directly affects me right now matters to anyone else.

I’ve still not decided which three ‘solo’ blogs I’m going to keep, but I’m starting one or two new projects as duo or group things too.

Most of all though, I’m going to just keep doing it in chunks.

500 words at a time. If I overreach that, fine, but this is what i want to do. And then I’ll see where that takes me.

Had I worked this out a year ago, maybe I’d have been making more money from my fiction by now, and then, I wouldn’t need to have these worries – or on the other hand I could have missed it entirely, and discovered that actually, I destroyed my career when I fell on my face. Either way, though I don’t believe things happen for a reason, I do believe that I’m on the right path now. I just need to cure my paralysis over what to work on and I’m good.
I dunno. I think I’ll just write and worry about what belongs where later, just for now. I can always set up a document and keep opening new ones for new POV’s till I’m there. Or just write. It feels so good to just *write*.

That works, doesn’t it?
(by the way, I blog MUCH more frequently over at http://authorinterrupted.com –  I guess Kaiberie.com is going to keep being the slightly more personal perspective on writing, and all of the other stuff I do, but till I settle, blog posts here will be few and far between).

All Personality

Greif

It’s a funny thing grief. Especially if there’s no obvious reason for it – like someone you love dying, or losing something that’s so important to you that you just can’t stand it anymore.
Except…
I was reading a post on depression recently – one where the woman talked about thinking she was out of the woods, but instead discovered she’d just found the wrong perspective. Raise your chin a bit and look…oh, more woods….and everything she was saying was what I was going through. The absolute lack of motivation – hours at a time staring at the walls in the room that I’m in – the extreme tiredness – the slipping deadlines. The works.

It’s one of those slogs I just don’t want to think about.
I’ve spent the last few weeks letting everyone down. The ingenious me – you know, the smart loon that wouldn’t take ‘no computer’ for an answer when she started writing – wouldn’t have let breaking my glasses slow me down. And I wouldn’t spend every evening curled up in the guest room, just so I wasn’t too far away from the other half. Why *he’s* in the guest room – we bought collector’s editions of Star Wars recently, and both started playing. I’m very much a casual gamer – I could care less about Star Wars: The old republic but I’m playing it because it’s better than sitting and looking at the room and thinking ’empty, like me’.
But I’m not the ingenious me. I’m not the clever me. I’m slow and moribund and mired me. And that me can’t be bothered.

So, I guess this is where I own up.
For the last….well, year unofficially, but since July with my doctor’s hesitant blessing, David (my fiancée) and I have been trying to get pregnant. And succeeded. And lost the baby… well, babies, separately I guess, very early into the pregnancy. Twice.
There’s no medical reason for it. Not obvious anyway – all of my blood test results were nigh on perfect, which, in and of itself, is a miracle for me. In the UK, according to most of what I’ve read, you try for a year or three miscarriages, and then you might get referred to a specialist. It even has a name – secondary infertility (secondary because I have two children from a previous relationship).
And I guess that’s why I’m grieving. There’s a lot of guessing going on though. There’s *other stuff* – as there always is, but
Except….
Society doesn’t acknowledge that sort of grief properly. Infertile women are treated like glass houses in some ways – and those of us that get pregnant only to lose the child early on are told stupid things like ‘what is meant to happen, will’ and ‘you’ll be able to do it again’. Or, the kicker for me – ‘well, be grateful you’ve got…’.
Yes, I have two children already – I’m grateful for that. Doesn’t stop me being devastated when the life I’m carrying dies. Just because they weren’t big enough to survive doesn’t mean I can’t miss them.
And there’s no comfort in words like ‘if it was meant to be…’ That’s like telling someone that’s working that they could have had their wages, ‘if it were meant to be…’. It’s like telling someone that lost everything that it’s part of the plan (and yes, I know people say that too – I don’t).
And I know it’s not meant to be mean. I know it’s not meant to be horrible. I know it’s not meant to make me feel like curling up and sitting on my hands so I don’t start scratching till I bleed, or go running back to the medication I’ve fought this last year to stay clear of. I know.
But we’re not allowed to grieve. Whenever I try at least, I’ve got two friends that insist on turning it into ‘I had a horrible pregnancy, at least you’re not going through that right now’ (what I wouldn’t GIVE to be going through a horrible pregnancy instead of losing them right at the start). I’ve got several friends who are pregnant, and I’m delighted for, but I can’t talk to, because I can’t grieve around *them* – that’s not exactly fair on them, is it. And then I’ve got those really stupidly insensitive friends that point out I’m disabled, my youngest has problems, and I’m barely holding my life together now, do I really believe adding a baby to that mix will work?
Short answer – who knows?
This also isn’t me saying ‘I won’t work’. When you’re an adult you genuinely don’t get *that* choice. But it is a bit of a heads-up. I need space to grieve instead of feeling as if I’m holding the bag for everyone and everything else. I need a bit or room to myself.

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Birthdays and stuff

Normally, I do my ‘birthday’ update on or around my birthday – but I’m a couple of days late this  year.  And with good (ish) reason.
On the 8th of this year I graduated officially.  And so began a week of visits and catching up with friends and family.  Unfortunately, so also began a week of random exhaustion and a horrible rash that’s over most of the front of my neck and up one shoulder.

The rash
The rash itself isn’t actually too bad now, other than it itches like mad.  I’m itchy in various places to be fair, but it’s all mostly associated with one side of my body.  I spent Monday rearranging my conservatory, and sorting out the house –  Tuesday – I graduated – Wednesday and a docs visit saw me picking up meds, but little else.  I started needing about 200% more sleep.   Thursday, mom came back from Egypt, and visited.  Friday, Keith arrived, and Saturday….

Well, Saturday was supposed to be my book launch, my big birthday *bash* and my graduation celebration.  It ended up being coffee in the morning with my nanoees, napping most of the rest of the day, before landing in the out of hours service at 5:30.  Which lead to ‘you have meningeal symptoms (stiff neck, headache, bright lights bothering me, nausea, no temperature though), go to the ER’, which led to ‘the heck no’ conversation that comes up whenever I land in the Gloucester hospital.  I eventually talked my other half into letting me go home for my birthday party – which, in the end was food, chatter and watching some cartoons.  And then I slept.  I did much of the same on Sunday.
And yesterday.
As of 11am this morning I’m still randomly needing to nap for an hour or two after only being up for a few hours, I’m stiff, I’m tired, but I’m still working.

Not quite the way I wanted to celebrate my 33rd birthday, but it let me have a think about several things, and, as Glass Block was signed up with a press, I’ve got space now till February to pursue something fun.  So I am.

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A picture being worth a thousand words and all….

A rare photo of me that I actually like (D Kai Wilson-Viola)
Graduation day, November 8th 2011
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