Athens-like Folly2, overlook some modern shames, like the ever tripline replacing trams3, whose tracks warp, even in the flash summers of Scotland.
The misheard street names, that of Princes Street, in front of Queen, we stand there, by the Scott Monument, our picturesque ‘Goth Rocket’4 waiting, for the One o’clock gun, tourists asking when, bemused residents answering, asking one another “if it’s not just in the name?”
Look out over the gardens, then back, A mishmash of souvenir shops, blaring traditional music, the echo of bagpipes, forever kept, the hotel fronts, or grab a coffee and transport stops with dual purpose
Go down, past the galleries, travel to Haymarket, and beyond, find the woodlands, the water, Go to the Braids, solitude, space, and isolation, in the centre of one edge or to the Pentlands to Water of Leith, dance out in Colinton, where Princes may have walked, leading me back home.5
1 – I’m not complaining about the bagpipes, I actually like them, but for the month of the Fringe, it’s just a wall of sound. Understandably, but it’s a lot.
2 – The Folly referred to here, is also called ‘Edinburgh’s Shame’. It was built, and then ran out of money and was never completed. It was abandoned in 1829. It’s beautiful, and it’s also the backdrop for Beltane’s fire festival.
3 – No one really likes the trams, not anyone I’ve spoken to. There’s been a lot of backlash about them. i betcha though, saying this, I’ll be told they’re actually ok now. All I know is that they’re one of the major things both our families talk about as an issue with things happening in the city. Recently, the only thing they’ve been more annoyed about is the random bike lanes popping up like vines.
5 – I used to walk from the centre of town, home. I’d start on Princes Street, after walking down from my now partner’s flat a few streets away, walk to Haymarket, then up to Fountainbridge, pick up the Union Street Canal, then come off it, onto the Water of Leith and home, to the Calders or Wester Hailes. It was a long walk, but I loved it, especially in spring.
I’m going to get right to the point with this post. My birth name isn’t Kai. Or Kaiberie.
My birth name is Donna.
A name I don’t relate to
I personally believe that our name is one of the things that define us. And while I know the definition of Donna is ‘lady’ in Italian, I’ve never felt particularly ladylike. I am, in fact, the biggest tomboy moving. I’m actually quite proud of that fact, and don’t avoid hobbies just because ‘that’s not for girls’ (it comes up less now, but it was quite common, even in the gaming community until recently).
I always have been. From being more interested in computers, and playing RPGs (D&D was bought for me, for the first time, when I was nine). I was a cadet; I loved being online at internet cafes, I love computer games.
As I’ve grown older, though I am definitely ‘feminine’, the name Donna has really been associated with some really bad memories and some of the worst times of my life. And most importantly, it doesn’t feel like me.
So, I changed my name
I’ve been Kai since, basically separating from the father of my children. I’m very open about it not being my legal name (yet), but it *is* my preferred name.
Funnily enough though, Kai and Donna, though they have some differences, are still quite interestingly linked. A little at least in my mind.
Kai in various languages
Kai has various meanings, depending on the language you’re thinking of, and while it’s considered a gender-neutral name, it’s rarer for a girl to be called it than a boy. In my case, it’s short for Kaiberie, but even at Kai, I feel the Hawaiian ‘Sea’, the Mauri ‘Food’, the Welsh ‘Keeper of Keys, or earth’ and even the Japanese ‘shell’. I feel it fits me more than the definition of Donna.
But…all, even ‘warrior’ which is apparently from Frisian roots, and a short form of the name Kaimbe, kind of is with me.
All of them are nurturing, kind (well, except warrior), fierce, life-sustaining and life-giving. Much like everything that people say about women, and so while I’ve changed my name, I feel I’m still kinda true to it.
Just…don’t call me Donna.
(and for those of you that ask, you now know why there’s a D at the start of my pen name).
A- D for the Blogging AtoZ challenge will be up in the next 24 hours or so, and I’ll be hopping around all of the blogs and hopefully meeting some new, neat people. We’ve got family visiting this weekend though, so, I’m prioritising the visit and a belated Mother’s Day celebration 🙂
Last Monday, I posted about how myself and my youngest tested positive for CV19. Monday/Tuesday, I started getting really sick. Monday, I’d been quite cheerful – after all, Artenapan, my daughter, had had three days of a cough and little else. That’s not how it played out for me (spoiler, it’s REALLY not how it played out for me). The net result of last week was a week spent either in bed, sleeping, in a cool bath, or generally feeling like I was being slowly boiling alive. I mean it’s been great for story ideas (that make zero sense now that I’m thinking through them, but they worked when I was awake at three in the morning, staring at the roof), but it’s also been less than brilliant looking at what I’ve wanted to do over the last few months.
And heading towards #Kaiatus too…
The plan was that by this time now, we’d have several books out, I’d be tending towards various more announcements, but the truth is, I’ve struggled, a lot. I don’t have excuses, it’s just how it’s been the last few…it’s just how it is. I’m planning on changing that as we move forward, but I’ve decided to go with the flow. We were going to offer a bundle for the rest of the year with various books, but I’ve got to be honest, I’m not sure I want to promise that. I’d like to say we’re doing something to move forward, but…I can’t say what we’re doing till we do it. I’m working on my pages, I’m working on projects, I’m working on my happiness. I’m working on my writing. I’m working on myself mostly. But I’ll be moving forward as I can. We’ve got so much back end work to do but it’ll be ok once we get there. But I can’t say when it’ll be. I’m just pulling myself up for now and hoping that we’ll eventually just make everything click. 🙂 And then there’s Camp Nanowrimo too!
On the 1st, I’ll be starting the A to Z, and I’m hoping that I keep improving, but I’ve been so tired and sore and it’s just…. hard to think about what I’m doing moving forward, until I’m moving. But the thing is, I am moving. So, we’ll see. I’m hoping too, to unveil a new look here, but that’s been delayed because I was sick.
Anyone else taking part in the A to Z? What are you doing?
The night before #nanowrimo21 and I’m sharing ‘Love, Muse’. Sit down. The dishes can wait. No, the baby isn’t stirring. That’s it. Let me tell you a story. It won’t take long Sit down. That wasn’t the door. You don’t need more coffee That’s it. Fingers on the key. We’re off. Love, Muse by D Kai Wilson-Viola
I know this is an odd concept to raise for someone that’s a business owner and often works as hard as I do to advocate for others, who has raised two children to adulthood and when I think about it, survive what could be seen as serious negligence by my older psych team, but sometimes, do you wish you didn’t have to ‘adult?’
Adulting is overrated
I don’t mean by this that I don’t think I should have zero responsiblities. I’m just really tired of not getting ‘a win’ in the things that I do, not really. All of my planned treats, no matter how small, have either fallen through, or I’ve had to ask my partner to pay for them after all – which makes me feel bad. He doesn’t mind as much, but it’s a bit hard to talk to my kids about being adult and responsible then running to my other half and crying because life is hard. And lately, I’ve been crying a lot. I try not to focus on bullying, because it’s not a positive thing to think about and it gives them power, but often, I’m finding a lot of people when they are challenged on what they say, suddenly try turning the tables and creating the idea that they’re a victim. That you’re in the wrong. Compound that by the fact that often, this is over hosting bills or whatnot, and you can see how it hurts me to have people treat me this way.
Realistically, my company actually works, just about right now. I’ve got some work to do over the end of my Kaiatus to launch a few websites, but, we’re actually stable. Wire thin margins, but stable, so when someone starts complaining about their hosting bill, there is a bit of me that doesn’t want to engage. Another bit of me that knows I have to, because if I don’t, they’ll not pay. And a huge bit of me that’s wary, because I’ve been attacked recently for not considering giving away services free for the pandemic.
I only really manage what I do because I’ve kept beta accounts with places that aren’t as great as they could be and finding ways to fix the shortfall, or doing the stuff that I need manually. But realistically, I’ve been out of spoons and upset for about a week now. The thing is…I can’t really pillow fort. Next week sees the start of my graded exposure to the outside world. In laymans terms, that means for the first time in five years, I’ll be leaving my house and going for a walk…and trying not to throw up when I do. It’ll either be brilliant, or I’ll make it brillaint, but today was a day where I could have just done with hiding away and not needing to deal with the world. If I manage it though, Prime Day reward will be nice. I never get anything extravegant, but….treating myself to some new books for Uni or some additional research tools would be nice (cybersec isn’t a ‘cheap’ study area, Forensic linguistics even less, and honestly? I’m lucky. I’ve got access to stuff through my partner and friends). If not there, Humble Bundle always has cool books on AI.
See…I can adult
When I start thinking like this, often, my friends point out that I pull myself out of it. I’m #blessed to get to do what I do. And, yes, I am. It doesn’t change though when nothing is going right and no one wants to do as they’re supposed to, and you need the books before the end of the month, or you’re looking forward to a tiny treat that keeps getting postponed, that you feel this way. It’s still not the ‘correct’ way to think, but….rewards are sometimes good. When applied sensibly. I can’t do it any other way. And for those of you pointing out ‘I can ask…’ I can. You’re right. Lucky me again, but….why should my partner bail me out when I’ve planned and it should work?
Like I said, I don’t like adulting. At all. 42 years old and I wish I didn’t need to. I’m just so tired of everything being uphill.
And don’t ask me about books. Still waiting for my 100 ISBNs…
That sounds like so much fun! I love games, especially RPG. Haven't played with a group in a few years.…