The blog of D Kai Wilson-Viola

Author, advocate, designer, mental health advocate and parent. 

Made of stone, heart of glass #Mondayblogs

About me....

Latest posts

Latest comments

Archives...

21 years ago today, I was in intensive care. Concious, and actually, in good shape, just waiting for a transfusion. My daughter – who is also 21 today – had been delivered an hour or two before – and they’d nicked her placenta, and that created quite a serious bleed for me. I apparently lost over a litre of blood.
Probably a good thing I was distracted with the baby girl I’d just had, huh?

21 years on though, I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing son, a good life. A great one in fact. But I still struggling sometimes. and lately, it’s been one of those periods of painful growth.

I’ve got a heart of glass

It’s often said in fact, I’m ‘soft’. I’ll give in easily when people ask me for things, though it’s very much a CPTSD/people pleasing thing. It is in fact why they’ve asked me to write a book about it. People pleasing is a major problem with people with most mental health issues, IMO, but I guess one of the issues I have with people pleasing is when you don’t keep doing it, others turn you into the bully, the villain. In my experience, instead of being thanked for supporting people as far as I have, I’m the ‘bad guy’ because they feel they can’t do what they want to do, but don’t want to acknowledge that they’re getting the help.
And after a while, it leaves you feeling like saying no will leave you with a heart in shards, when they get upset about it and ‘fight back’.

The thing is, I’ve also got a really thick skin too – for criticism at least of my professional work. It’s an odd thing to think about, I guess, but it’s important to bear in mind that people like me – that work with other creatives, and support them as best they can – that give to the community – when they’re criticized for not continuing to do so because their boundaries are really difficult to work with and ensure that things are…stable, safe. And when referring to safe with boundaries, it’s something really important. Because honestly? We don’t handle boundaries well when we people please. And for me at least, it means my heart ‘breaks’ but bounces back of my thick skin, so the only person that really gets hurt…in my experience anyway…is me.

And that’s completely at odds with my ‘gratitude attitude’ (I’ll explain why I hate that one later) and trying to be happy and settled and….good.
I wonder if anyone has any thoughts (kind ones please, I’ve got enough wounds right now, mostly self-inflicted.
Right now, it’s holding course, it’s remembering that this is hard to deal with, that it’s NOT ME if I really need to fix my boundaries.

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

New stuff…a new design, backlist announcements and more! #mondayblogs

Firstly, I've redesigned my blog. I'd love to hear what people think of it, and if you'd like to see anything.I'll be connecting up more of my blogs as time goes on, but for the time being, and I'd love it if you sign up to my newsletter. I'm also delighted to...

The Covidcoaster – a week of ill #Mondayblogs #rungirlrun #kaiatus #Bloggingfromatoz

Last Monday, I posted about how myself and my youngest tested positive for CV19. Monday/Tuesday, I started getting really sick. Monday, I'd been quite cheerful - after all, Artenapan, my daughter, had had three days of a cough and little else. That's not how it played...

The two pink lines we didn’t want… #mondayblogs #rungirlrun

Just a quick one this week, as I have had a positive LFT for covid this morning. Lft 2 pink lines #covidtest #UK What this means in all practical terms is I'm more grateful than ever for my vaccines and, in part due to something my partner said this week, I've pitched...

A 2022 plan in the making… #mondayblogs #backlist #kailarks #rungirlrun

So I did my retrospective. And I don't do resolutions, mostly because if I did, I'd get into even more trouble than I'm in already. But, I do sorta, do plans for the year ahead.I've split them into personal and professional, then split appropriately from there. That...