I always thought grief was this huge thing that hit you when you lost something or someone important to you. Â It wasn’t about losing self. Â It wasn’t about losing what you were. Â But you know, I think that was a stupid thing to think. Â I’m waaaaaay behind in my grief management just because I didn’t understand what I was feeling was grief.
I guess most of the issue is I should have been feeling this way a long time ago. Â I’ve ignored a lot of what I feel because I’ve always been told that what I think is partially to do with a chemical imbalance (bipolar) and partly to do with the ways I learned to deal with that because back when they decided I was bipolar (with a questionable personality disorder to do with self-esteem – they’ve now decided something else which I don’t agree with at all), but all in all, that was the way it was. Â I’ve been through a half dozen meds in the last eighteen months, but the empty, sad feeling that they’re tagging as something else, I think is grief. Â I’ve lost so many pregnancies, and then, to add insult to injury, it really feels like I’ve lost myself in all of the messes going on right now. Â It might sound a bit melodramatic, but a blog post – 300 or so words – takes me all day. Â Longer than that, like this post, it takes me a few attempts. Â Some of it is Restless leg twitchy feelings, most of it is to do with just not being able to sit still and write for any length of time. Â I wish I was more positive but I’m giving it a try.
Anyway, yesterday I talked about some books on Author Interrupted. Â Today I’ll be talking about more.
Come on over and check the books out!
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.
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