I’ve been pretty much at a dead stop since…well, before Kushie died, but since the beginning of the year. And I know why – finally facing the fact that we’re probably dealing with secondary infertility, when previously, getting pregnant and having kids was one of the few things I had on my ‘I’m good at this list’ was really tough. I’ve had to process a lot of anger – anger at him for making us wait this long. Anger at myself for being angry at him, for letting him down, for not getting my life together in a way that would have let us have a baby earlier. About how unfair it all is, in general.
And let’s face it – life hasn’t been exactly fair or nice for the last
year few years or so.
The difference between wallowing and productivity
See, the thing is, i haven’t been at a complete stop. I’m still outlining novels, and I’m still working full-time , most recently, out of the house. I’m just not writing, and that’s not fair in many ways. It’s difficult to say WHEN things changed, because I know I wasn’t writing before all of this happened – well…again that’s not true. I know what stopped me writing – it was mostly copywriting full-time that did it. And then, being burned out just a little bit, ring that tiny bit more tired than I cared to admit… and then? It just got easier to stay still and ignore my books. And easier. And easier. And I know it’s stupid because some books are finished – all it takes is a bit of a push and they’re on their way, in the world. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to release books till I have my foundations right again.
The personal brand and rebrand is going to take, at a guess a year. And it’s not a lot of changes really – it’s just going to be a bit long and drawn out. I’ve got another project to worry about too – two really. One is a sekret-squirell experiment, and the other is PR. As I’ve seen, more and more, I’m spending time on The Finishing Fairies, and working with companies to see if I can’t help them with their PR and SEO needs.
But I’m still going to write. It might not be as much as I thought my world would contain, but I get to choose. I get to rebrand. I’m free to do so.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.