The blog of D Kai Wilson-Viola

Author, advocate, designer, mental health advocate and parent. 

Faster than light mind

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Faster than light mind

Aug 30, 2011 | Mental health, Personality, Writing, living with bipolar | 0 comments

One of the problems I’ve had lately is I think too fast – and I can’t slow my brain down for trying.  And over the last few days – since I started cutting most all ties that have either held me down or gotten in the way of the clarity I’ve been seeking – since London really – and I’ve worked with every which way I could think of to fix this without doing the big red reset.

Big red button….

There’s a running joke in our house that there’s a big red reset button that is connected to the coffee machine – because if it was connected to anything else, I’d be constantly, always fixing the things I lost my temper with and spending more time fixing what I undid.  But, as I said on Friday, I’ve had enough.  And in acknowledging that, by Monday, I’d made more decisions that had changed, basically, how I view my online life.
Some of it – is temporary. I’m temporarily not moderating – and temporarily  not even on the group(s) in question.  I’d unhesitatingly recommend them to any indie writers looking for a support system, and an honest perspective on the Indie community, but, right now, my honest perspective on my own life is pulling me down faster than I can blink, I don’t need to be in a position where I feel like I should be helping people constantly.  And that’s more me than them, but god’s honest truth, I’m not responsible for anyone other than me and my household.  Beyond that, I can help people, but I can’t make them do what I’m suggesting.  Whether I know that’s the solution they need or not.

That was a bit of an epiphany.

A bigger one was that though I’m stupidly bummed that I’ve had to take myself off of the moderating duties ‘etc’ that I’ve had for, well, since the main group was formed, I’m actually ok right now.  I cut everything back.  No moderating at all for the next week minimum.  Copywriting jobs only as and when I’m asked – I’m not looking for extra jobs right now.  Short term that’s going to really hit me where it hurts (i.e my wallet) but I can get around that pretty much in one of two ways.  One is to edit more, which I’m quite enjoying, and the other is to cut costs – which, perversely I’m also quite enjoying.  It’s nice to see where we can save money, and ensure that we’re making sure that, as a family, we’re meeting our expenses and saving up for things.  I’ve of course invested in editing already, and the only thing left for many of my books is my book cover, so things aren’t difficult on my work front.

And that’s where my faster than light mind comes in.  Goal setting is difficult for me because I don’t ‘live’ in the present.  The other running joke to do with how fast I think is that the reason I don’t really cope with the present is because my brain goes so fast it’s already, physically, somewhere in the future.  Like the past is eight minutes old in my head, and I’m ‘beaming back’.
Going by that logic, you’d think I’d be able to predict the trouble I get into, but as with many things to do with time, perception and understanding the world, it’s an illusion.  I could talk about how I can see certain events coming with scary regularity, but that’s just because I expect the worst and am pleasantly surprised to encounter something that isn’t as bad as I could predict.
But…. I’m always having to think about ten steps ahead to make sure I fit everything in, and that’s probably been my downfall lately.  Yep, I know what I’m doing in ten steps time, but I’m at a difficult point in everything that I’m dealing with, and I can’t be ahead.  I need to be here.  it’s another of those things I suspect is to do with my mental health, I’ve always been a bit of a daydreamer and always more focussed on my future than what was going on around me – it’s part comfort.  And while I work very hard to ensure that my time is filled, if I’m not busy,  I back slide into daydreaming and becoming even less productive.  Not difficult right now, I’m barely doing anything, but that way also lies depression.
And that was the second epiphany – and why I quit from all of the groups I’m involved with, and I’m considering what my next – essential stages are.  It’s only temporarily.  And it’s not even ten more steps away.


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