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So, there’s a post up that’s caused a bit of back channel fuss on my blog called ‘the Fear‘.  If you haven’t read it already, and want the cliff notes, it’s about what happened to me in school as a child.  Contextually, it’s about bullying – it’s about self-image and why nothing that people can or could say will change my opinion of myself.

There’s a but coming.

‘The Fear‘ Was meant to be an off the cuff post that turned into this massive angsty dump onto my blog, so to balance it off, here’s some other information.
There’s no way we can tag what I went through as the reason I’m bipolar.  There’s also little doubt in my mind that I wasn’t particularly resilient in the first place – I was prone to depression and immaturity as it stood, without adding in what went on. I don’t know if that fact would have remained consistent throughout school if somehow everything had been nipped in the bud, but what I do know is that I have a very… interesting perspective on why people behave the way they do.  One day, soon, I’ll go back and find all of my older posts and republish the important ones here.  One of the posts dealt with bullying, and how my perspective to things might have differed.

What I did want to say was though I say ‘I’m ugly’ or ‘I’m plain’ – it’s kinda like saying, ‘I can’t cook’, or ‘I’m rubbish at painting’.  I know what I’m good at and while there’s a whole other element of accepting that, at least it sits easier on me.
But take my word for it when I say that I’m ok with this.  It’s not important to my choice of job (writer), so it’s one of those things that I’ve learned to live with.  And ultimately, I’m marrying a gorgeous guy who I adore and who thinks I’m perfect.  I can disagree with that, but having that and my family who believe that I can do anything I put my mind to has done a lot to give me at least a base to work from now.  In the coming weeks and months, I’m going to be talking mental health *a lot* – after Glass Block, I promised I’d do the second draft of Pictures, so it’s on my mind a lot, I guess.

Part of the server sync up project:

Kai

Kai is a writer, author and avid reader.  A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.