Ever seen a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat, and then the next thing you know, you’re staring down a gun barrel? Or, have you watched him play with thin air by your ear, and he’s suddenly got the coin you were looking for.
You choose a card, and he, somehow, shows it to you.
He’s diverted you with sleight of hand.
That’s how I feel right now.
This post was going to be called ‘And now…for something completely different…well, no, not really’ but in truth it is. This is an entirely new mindset to how I handle blogging. I must, however, be the only blogger in the world that simply erases her site instead of just retooling. Oh well
Kaiberie.com was originally designed to be a site where I talked everything. This was in the bad old days (2004/5) when I only owned a scant handful of websites and updated each daily. It took over, in part, from my Livejournal blog, which I updated ‘oh too many’ times a day as one freind once put it.
And then, slowly, I began to bow to peer pressure. I was making other writing freinds ‘feel bad’ because I achieved so much. I wasn’t reviewing thier released books on my really high traffic blog. I had freinds who weren’t writers and who just didn’t care for writing ’stuff’ and other freinds who were writers but didn’t really feel comfortable with the personal stuff. So I started to fragment.
I’ve told this story many times, when restarting blogs, but what I’ve never said that each time I changed things, I shattered a little bit more of what I was. I began to hide whole swathes of my personality from freinds, because they didn’t care for what I really was.
The truth is, I’m a manic depressive (bipolar) woman in her 30’s who has just started on medication, goes month to month with the vague worry in her head that she’s pregnant, is eventually getting married, has a disabled daughter and a son who is ‘normal’ and an amazing fiancee who tolerates us all. I’ve got a circle of freinds that I really NEED to occassionally stand up to (some of them) and a circle of freinds who are incredibly supportive (most of them) and that circle of freinds is one and the same.
Due to *something* that happened in 2003, I’ve been trying to build my own world online. And doing that took me to 500 seperate domain names, before I finally scaled back to under 150. Most of which are book URLs, which is why I have so many. But it does mean I’ve got this….free floating guilt that I can’t stick to projects and that’s something I’m going to try and change. My rebranding has finally come to it’s natural end point.
And I am a writer. I am actually an author, but for some reason I prefer writer. I am a wordsmith – a dreamer, and I’m a coder too. I do lots of things I probably shouldn’t, like take on the burdens of others far to readily and give till I’m destitute, in body, soul and belongings, but that’s an aspect of me that I actually quite like. I also do a lot of things that I probably should, including indulging my love of books at every available opportunity. I’ve got so many that we bought a cuecat to log them all at Librarything.
But see…there’s this problem with this. Who I am makes a great brand, as long as people accept it – but as I’ve already discovered, I’ve met people that have issues with me being ‘me’. Back to the sleight of hand thing – I’ve spent most of my life going ‘look, look, over here’ whilst sneaking stuff past you. I’ve been hiding what I’m really up to for so long now that I’ve finally got stage fright.
I promise you’re not going to be staring down the barrell of a gun – I’m not going to pull coins out of thin air, but…maybe, just maybe I do have the card you picked all those aeons ago. Maybe, just maybe, I might have information you’ll really enjoy.
Roll up, roll up…come and see the wonder that is D Kai Wilson in all her odd, wacky, amazing glory.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.