I’ve been spending the last week or so trying to work out where I’m going to with my career – it’s easy, I guess for people to say that they have goals, but when you’ve drifted in a no mans land between goalless and unable to fulfil goals because everything else (and I mean *everything* – we’re talking things as simple as being head injured and not being able to focus, down to giving up everything I held dear because my freinds and family needed me there and then, and walking away at *that* specific point would leave me unable to pursue it again.
I’ve put my career in statis so many times now, I’m suspecting it’s a bit like Farran’s heart – full of crystalised damage that I won’t see till I defrost it all.
I always consider the New Year as ‘the demon days, dog days’ of my work. Hard to explain beyond the basics of ‘these days suck worse than the rest of the year combined for most of my considerations.
In the last three years, I’ve responded to this by working harder, playing harder, destroying things because they held no meaning to my state of mind then, and working through nothing and everything. This year, I’m social network ‘hibernating’. I’m going back to my pre-online and offline friendship days and simply writing and staying at home. I’ve done the big red reset to where I was before I got a regular internet connection.
It’s going to take discipline, but hopefully it’ll force people to actually pay attention to what I’m doing instead of patinaing everything in a veeneer of ‘well done, look at you go,’ or ‘I don’t know how you do it’. How I do it is by resenting each second I’m away from writing, and right now, I resent my whole, entire life. I never write any more – barely get the coding I’ve agreed to done. My life is one big mess and to fix it, I need not to spend every waking minute watching facebook, and twitter. I need my disconnect. So I’m taking it.
Kai is a writer, author and avid reader. A mental health advocate, Ludosport athlete and coder. She’s the mother of two young adults, owned by two cats, and lives with her beloved in the Cotswolds.