The rash
The rash itself isn’t actually too bad now, other than it itches like mad.  I’m itchy in various places to be fair, but it’s all mostly associated with one side of my body.  I spent Monday rearranging my conservatory, and sorting out the house –  Tuesday – I graduated – Wednesday and a docs visit saw me picking up meds, but little else.  I started needing about 200% more sleep.   Thursday, mom came back from Egypt, and visited.  Friday, Keith arrived, and Saturday….

Well, Saturday was supposed to be my book launch, my big birthday *bash* and my graduation celebration.  It ended up being coffee in the morning with my nanoees, napping most of the rest of the day, before landing in the out of hours service at 5:30.  Which lead to ‘you have meningeal symptoms (stiff neck, headache, bright lights bothering me, nausea, no temperature though), go to the ER’, which led to ‘the heck no’ conversation that comes up whenever I land in the Gloucester hospital.  I eventually talked my other half into letting me go home for my birthday party – which, in the end was food, chatter and watching some cartoons.  And then I slept.  I did much of the same on Sunday.
And yesterday.
As of 11am this morning I’m still randomly needing to nap for an hour or two after only being up for a few hours, I’m stiff, I’m tired, but I’m still working.

Not quite the way I wanted to celebrate my 33rd birthday, but it let me have a think about several things, and, as Glass Block was signed up with a press, I’ve got space now till February to pursue something fun.  So I am.

Graduation day, November 8th 2011

I’m writing a new(ish) plugin that lets me track what I’ve done with writing – but I’ve also got something else I want to keep track of, something that’s going onto a new blog, but for now, I just wanted a record of it *somewhere*.  I have 137 books to read.  137 books I’ve either bought or been given – not including the new ones that are going to be coming in for review.  And I want to read the lion’s share of them before the end of December.

Sanity optional – aka, I’m not reading enough

One of the major things I’m discovering right now is I’m just not reading enough.  Or, at least, I’m not reading enough that’s not on my laptop, snatched between chores.  I’m also not reading enough, as in, for myself.  The best I’m doing right now, is listening to audio books while I sleep.  Which isn’t good, because the alarm goes off and my brain is ignoring the voice narrating at me, so it also filters out/incorporates the alarm into my dream.  And while there’s a lot of overlap (I’m reading my way through Valerie Douglas‘ stuff at present, partially because she’s a friend, but mostly because I like it), it’s getting to the point where I’m genuinely missing just taking time out to read during the day/evening.

This week is going to be a bit busy, but I’m thinking I might be lucky and get some reading in when I’m at the graduation celebrations.  I’m going to be there on my own after all, for several hours and though I know *some* people there, I’m not entirely certain I know enough people to have conversations with anyone.  On the other hand, but the time I get into my gown and find my seat I might not….

And I guess that’s partly it.  It’s been a really long road to here – one which isn’t fully documented *anywhere* any more, and I’m bone weary.  Writing isn’t something I can abandon, but at the same time there just isn’t enough time in the day to get everything to the point I need it to be, before I’m done.  I’m not sure what to do, in the long-term.  But I think some of the time I was going to spend on Nano this month, I’m going to have to put towards planning and settling the stuff that I want to keep, and getting rid of the projects that are good ideas, I just don’t have the time for.  Priorities are going to have to shift again too, but I’ll look at that later this week.

For now, I’ve got a huge week ahead – graduation, book launch (I hope!), birthday party, Nano!

I’ve been reading a lot of ‘I don’t need to worry about grammar and editing, all that matters is I’m writing’ or ‘you’re jealous because your book isn’t out yet’, or ‘would YOU accept a C from your kids if they came home with it on the report?  Then why accept a three star review?’.
All of this has kicked off since I started working as an editor – and a lot of it comes out when people discover that it’s going to cost money to edit their books.
There’s two insidious lies I’d like to address today.
First –  Editing and grammar ain’t important.  O’rhyleah? (sorry, been looking at lots  of Lolthulu lately).  Seriously?  Would I have gotten away with that in a very post ironic way on my degree, or, would my tutor have kicked me from here to next week about run on sentences, and the occasional tense mistake?  I think I’d have been kicked.  I know I would have been – in fact, I was.
So, while I don’t agree with the idea that we need to be locked to rules (and I’ll talk about that more a bit later) if you’re not at least flirting with the acceptance that mistakes aren’t acceptable, then you’re not a professional writer.

There – I said it – it’s not the idea that you can’t afford to hire an editor that doesn’t make you a professional writer – it’s the idea that you can excuse your behavior by HIDING BEHIND not being able to afford a professional editor.
Can’t afford an editor? – I’m writing a book, and I teach classes – check them out.

The other insidious lie is that we’re not all on the same side as writers and readers.  And while that’s true, in some cases (you can’t be ‘on the same side’ if you’re buying something from someone), when it comes to literature, readers and writers ARE on the same side.  We all want good literature, and the best stories.

So – there’s a second element to all of this:

If you are charging for your work, you have an obligation – a paid service provision –  to be professional.

Others go as slow as possible, savoring every step, and realising, deep down, that they can’t do everything they might want to.

My problem is I want to savor everything, but I want it all.  I have too many hobbies, and too little time on my books for new stuff.  I book far too much into my life, mostly because I can.  My laptop became both my freedom and my curse, because now, there’s a whole world of reading and writing out there, and I get nothing done.
Facebook is a horrible blessing.  I can meet and hang out with so many wonderful people, and keep an eye on my friends, and there are some really cool games on there, but, lets face it, I’ve got a nasty habit of refreshing my page again and again, and then wondering, at 2pm, where my day went.

Worst of all, I’m a person that moves through life with a momentum that pulls others along behind me.  And lately, I kinda feel like I’m out in the middle of a great big ocean, with no chance of finding the new land I was aiming for.  But it feels like I’m stranding other people now and I don’t like that feeling.

Momentum is working out where you’re going and I think that’s the biggest thing for me right now.  I need to work out which map I’m working from – someone else’s or my own.  If I’m working from someone else’s, where can I adapt it so it’s all mine – or if I’m going to dive on in headlong and do it all myself, I need to work out where I want to go – there are *so many* choices right now.

What I do know is tomorrow begins my ninth Nanowrimo.  I’m really looking forward to it.  It gives me another month to work out and plan the roller coaster that is about to be my life.  One way or another, things will start resolving and working out the way I want to.

Plans are coming soon, though.  I’m happy to report there *is* a plan, but it’s difficult to see whether it’s the right choice right now.  So I’m going to have a bit of fun with my writing for a bit, and see where that takes me.  It’s too easy for me to lose sight of what I wanted to do when I started out online – which was writing.  I’ve gone all over the web since, looking for something that’s ‘all me’ but what I am, underneath it all, is a writer.

But the last week, at 8am, I’ve taken the chance to come upstairs with a cup of tea, and I’ve crucially left music off.
So, I write my task list and contemplate my day in silence.  It’s nice because the bedroom/office I’m in is in full sunlight most of the morning, and into the afternoon when I finish up working for the day (if I’m not coming back to work later) so I’m getting plenty of light where I sit, and there is a tree near the window, so even now, as the weather is turning chilly (and man, it’s chilly this morning compared to the last week), I’ve got birdsong.

From there, I social network.  Twitter and Facebook need constant feeding, and I think I put in 750 words there on their own. I’m still trying to find my stride with G+.

And after that, I start work proper.  Usually about 8:45, but today, as Steve Jobs died (don’t come to this blog for breaking news, I’m always waaaaay behind the curve),  I’m not starting until nearly 10am.  With a full docket and email to troubleshoot as it’s randomly stripping attachments, I’m still melancholy.  I guess it puts life into perspective when someone that achieved so much goes – not even because he was ‘young’ by today’s standards.  Steve Jobs would have been missed whether we were talking about him dying today or in 20,30, 40 years time.  That kind of impact will never be lost, even to history.  And that’s some legacy to leave.

What I do know is that while I’ve been a PC person most of my life (due to expense rather than preference), my first ever laptop was a Mac.  from my adopted brother – I bought it from him and wrote on it for nearly a year, until we moved south and it died.  In that time, I even replaced the screen.  I wouldn’t DARE try that on my PC

I’m tech support.  I’m a writer.  I’m an extremely clever woman.  I’m a graduate of Creative Writing.
I’m a mother.  I’m the woman that’s dating one of the most amazing men in the world, bar none.  I’m close friend to people that I can’t mention by name, because my privacy and theirs is worth more than the street cred it might get me.

But that’s all very ‘external’ and perception based.

So, I tried to go a little deeper.  My name isn’t Kai, but it’s what everyone bar my family and a very few friends call me.  My last name also isn’t Viola – yet.  It’s not that we don’t intend to get married, it’s just that the practicality and expense of it all – it’s not only overwhelming, it’s so huge that I just can’t look at it.  At all.
I’m nearly 33.  Mother to two wonderful children here with me and one that had a name that passed over at ten weeks pregnant. Empty shell right now, because I can’t, for the life of me get and remain pregnant, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind a lot.

And that leads to thoughts of failure and loss.  And I’m that too.  I failed to do what was expected of me – many times.  Hindsight being what it is, I know now that some of my difficulties are trying to function as ‘normal’ when I’m anything but.  I’m an extraordinary woman, not least because I have bipolar disorder.  It’s not just a disorder though, it’s shaped my whole perspective, personality and way of life.  I have a fair idea what the day is going to bring when I wake up, but there’s always that rogue chance I’ll be off cycle, and anxiety, which I always pretty much accepted as background noise is something that’s slowly becoming less like a sly whisper in the back of my head and a shout that drowns out everything *out there*.  And I know some of that is to do with my thought pattern.
Ans the language I use, which is something else that I am.  I am a language Geek.  Capital G. I love linguistics and have found my favourite field in linguistics to study, if only I could find the money to do it.
Some of the reason I failed though was fear.  Whether I accept I’m paralysed by it, or have a world to create around it, shielding myself from the things that make me feel that way remains to be seen, but what I do know right now is that I dislike it.  A lot.  I’m afraid of everything.
Afraid people will see through me and realise I’m a fraud.
Afraid that people will find that out, and tell others.
Afraid that what I’m doing is somehow *not enough* and that when it comes down to it, my life will be a series of moments that I missed.

It’s still external and tied to an event though.  And if that’s all I am, a series of events, doesn’t that make me a series of moments, and though I can’t say that the good always outweigh the bad on a year to year basis, there are more neutral to good days in our house.  So, doesn’t that make me mostly neutral good? (Or lawful-neutral for our gaming readers )  But that’s not me either.  Because those moments, even if they were instigated, orchestrated and meticulously recorded by only me, are still external.

Who am I?

I’m Kai.  I’m not perfect, and I know that deep inside of me there’s a crack that I skillfully and artfully make people ignore,much like the hole in Amelia Pond’s wall.  I am a geek, and the carrier of worlds that, lets me fair, only currently exist in a very warped mind, bundled up in fair, freckled skin, vibrant red hair, and a body that ends up in corsets a lot less regularly than I’d wish for.  I’m NOT famous, and doing my level best to keep it that way, but I am a writer and artist.  A good one if my degree is to be believed, and those that have pried my stories off of my hard drive can tell.
I leave a legacy in my kids of an amazing pair of children, with strong personalities – a legacy I currently get to enjoy each and every day, so I’m a shaper of the future, no matter how transient that influence, and I’m a good friend, who goes out of her way to do what she can to help, protect and support those she cares about, though, I fail quite often at that too.

I’m learning.  I’m Kai.

But, unless you knew an old incarnation of this blog, you wouldn’t know that – I used to open out posts with the music that was influencing me – either a lyric, or a song title.  I’m going to start that again, because this blog, and to a lesser degree Kai-q is going to be about me.  All of me.
Which means this blog is going to get a bit frenetic for a while  I’m difficult to define at the best of times, without actually looking at what I get up to, or even, what’s on my desk, my Kindle, my Goodreads list, my camera, my phone… I am a complicated, complex, multiple type geek, and probably very rarely, I’m a multiple type geek that has several strong focusses.

Basically – what you think you know about me – it’s probably mostly true, but there’s probably more to me than most people realise.  And more than I’ll ever probably be able to express.
One of the things I do know right now is I’ve got a plan – finally.  I’ve also got a very clean workspace, and the freedom to actually work for myself now.  Totally and utterly, I’m free now, and that’s a good thing.

As for the title – the blog was hacked this weekend – and had we not already been keeping a vague eye on the site anyway, I think that this could have been a lot worse than it was.  I’m still working on cleaning the residual issues that I’ve been left with, but most of them were temporary.  The reason – the main reason, I took the blog offline is because I couldn’t apply the fix while people were trying to access parts of the site.  So, we put the temporary redirect up, fixed the blog, voila .  Well, kinda, cause I’ve not finished the blog design yet, so for now it’s a bit bland…

The psycho killers thing – well, that means one of my characters has decided to stop being such a huffy little pain in the ass and is talking to me again – his two favorite bands happen to be Talking Heads and Nickelback, though he’s taken a shine to Mazzy Star lately too.  Mostly I’m just glad Elliot is back from wherever he vanished off to.  I’ve still got yet more planning to do, to the point of paralysis, but I’m finally in a place where I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel – and apparently on my keyboard.  It does mean less time downstairs vegging with my other half at night for a while, but I think, if I can make it work, it’ll be more than worth it.

And there’s a couple of things that have changed since then – some for the better, some in a different way and with no impact.  One for the worse.

As the last post explained, I finally graduated.  What the last post barely touches on is why it’s taken so long to get to that point.  And, y’know, I wish I could point at everything I’ve been up to recently and say ‘see, good reason’, but the truth is,  the reason, though, probably, a valid one, isn’t a ‘good’ one by any stretch of the imagination.  Focusing on the positive though – I graduated.  I’m delighted that I graduated.  I’m trying to decide if I want to go to the ceremony where our degrees are officially conferred – right now it’s looking at least an option.

Other improvements include taking on better paying work, in some cases.  I *love* copywriting – but what I don’t love is the fact that I’m basically at the mercy of clients.  Most are darlings – but some leave a lot to be desired.  And when I’m having to be draconian about billing practices, I know something has gone wrong.  And that’s the problem – there’s no give in my billing.  And for those that know why, don’t even say it in public – it’s not necessary.  I’ve taken steps to remedy that, in the form of http://indieunbound.com  I’m now officially and formally an editor as well as a copywriter, using my experience as a writer and graduate to support indie writers in creating a product that works for them – and the market.  It’s good, and in the last few days, I’ve already managed to book clients till our holiday in October, which is just stellar.

Other than that, I’m working on finishing up my websites and setting up regular spots for blogging, fixing my timetable to balance stuff (though, I’m slowly coming to the realisation I can either have a quiet life OR work really hard – there’s no doubling up and earning both) and slowly resolving everything that needs to be resolved.

The negative?  other than a couple of outlines, I’m still not writing.  And that sucks.  But I think  I have a solution to that too – one, that if I can keep up with the editing client bookings, will give me the best of all worlds and allow me to be the last piece of the puzzle that is me.  I have to find my way back to fiction writing, or there’s no point in freelancing the way I do.  I could, instead use my degree on something else, and let go of the idea of being an author – and to be honest, that all or nothing decision makes me more worried than any other choice I could ever make.

I guess the last thing I need to talk about is ‘what’s next’?  I already miss university desperately – I’ve never felt more at ease in an establishment in my life, and I want to go back to that at some point.  So, realistically, some of the money I make editing and writing is going back into ‘me’, and in turn, making me a better writer and editor, via my MA plans.  Ideally, I’d like to do linguistics of some kind, rather than a wholly creative project, but ultimately, I guess I’ll need to see what is available to me, and how long it’ll take me to save for it.  For now, all of my energy is going into clearing up the last of the server costs I was left with, sorting out new hosting for that secondary account, and building a buffer of savings for my family.  Editing and copywriting together are a good combination, especially if I can keep streamlining my time and using it to the best effect.

Now though?  Work beacons.  Laters

But – I’m delighted to confirm that I got a 2:1.

So, now I’m a graduate.  Wooohooo!