Category Archives: Writing

Birthdays and stuff

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Normally, I do my ‘birthday’ update on or around my birthday – but I’m a couple of days late this  year.  And with good (ish) reason.
On the 8th of this year I graduated officially.  And so began a week of visits and catching up with friends and family.  Unfortunately, so also began a week of random exhaustion and a horrible rash that’s over most of the front of my neck and up one shoulder.

The rash
The rash itself isn’t actually too bad now, other than it itches like mad.  I’m itchy in various places to be fair, but it’s all mostly associated with one side of my body.  I spent Monday rearranging my conservatory, and sorting out the house –  Tuesday – I graduated – Wednesday and a docs visit saw me picking up meds, but little else.  I started needing about 200% more sleep.   Thursday, mom came back from Egypt, and visited.  Friday, Keith arrived, and Saturday….

Well, Saturday was supposed to be my book launch, my big birthday *bash* and my graduation celebration.  It ended up being coffee in the morning with my nanoees, napping most of the rest of the day, before landing in the out of hours service at 5:30.  Which lead to ‘you have meningeal symptoms (stiff neck, headache, bright lights bothering me, nausea, no temperature though), go to the ER’, which led to ‘the heck no’ conversation that comes up whenever I land in the Gloucester hospital.  I eventually talked my other half into letting me go home for my birthday party – which, in the end was food, chatter and watching some cartoons.  And then I slept.  I did much of the same on Sunday.
And yesterday.
As of 11am this morning I’m still randomly needing to nap for an hour or two after only being up for a few hours, I’m stiff, I’m tired, but I’m still working.

Not quite the way I wanted to celebrate my 33rd birthday, but it let me have a think about several things, and, as Glass Block was signed up with a press, I’ve got space now till February to pursue something fun.  So I am.

Insidious lies in the Indie community

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We interrupt your regularly scheduled fluff for a bit of a rant.  And I wouldn’t be doing this during Nanowrimo season, but it *really* needs to be said.

I’ve been reading a lot of ‘I don’t need to worry about grammar and editing, all that matters is I’m writing’ or ‘you’re jealous because your book isn’t out yet’, or ‘would YOU accept a C from your kids if they came home with it on the report?  Then why accept a three star review?’.
All of this has kicked off since I started working as an editor – and a lot of it comes out when people discover that it’s going to cost money to edit their books.
There’s two insidious lies I’d like to address today.
First –  Editing and grammar ain’t important.  O’rhyleah? (sorry, been looking at lots  of Lolthulu lately).  Seriously?  Would I have gotten away with that in a very post ironic way on my degree, or, would my tutor have kicked me from here to next week about run on sentences, and the occasional tense mistake?  I think I’d have been kicked.  I know I would have been – in fact, I was.
So, while I don’t agree with the idea that we need to be locked to rules (and I’ll talk about that more a bit later) if you’re not at least flirting with the acceptance that mistakes aren’t acceptable, then you’re not a professional writer.

There – I said it – it’s not the idea that you can’t afford to hire an editor that doesn’t make you a professional writer – it’s the idea that you can excuse your behavior by HIDING BEHIND not being able to afford a professional editor.
Can’t afford an editor? – I’m writing a book, and I teach classes – check them out.

The other insidious lie is that we’re not all on the same side as writers and readers.  And while that’s true, in some cases (you can’t be ‘on the same side’ if you’re buying something from someone), when it comes to literature, readers and writers ARE on the same side.  We all want good literature, and the best stories.

So – there’s a second element to all of this:

If you are charging for your work, you have an obligation – a paid service provision –  to be professional.

Again, I said it.  If you’re going to publish your work – and people are paying you – for heavens sake, act like a professional.  That goes beyond the presentation of your work, but in the end, that’s all that matters to your reader.

Momentum

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We move through our lives at a constant pace.  We can accelerate or decelerate ourselves with a limited amount of success, but the speed we do things at, at our base rate at least, is probably something we’ll never change.  Some of us rush headlong into everything and batter through life as fast as we can, hungry for as many new experiences as we can pick up, and tired at the end of each day because we’ve packed in so much.

Others go as slow as possible, savoring every step, and realising, deep down, that they can’t do everything they might want to.

My problem is I want to savor everything, but I want it all.  I have too many hobbies, and too little time on my books for new stuff.  I book far too much into my life, mostly because I can.  My laptop became both my freedom and my curse, because now, there’s a whole world of reading and writing out there, and I get nothing done.
Facebook is a horrible blessing.  I can meet and hang out with so many wonderful people, and keep an eye on my friends, and there are some really cool games on there, but, lets face it, I’ve got a nasty habit of refreshing my page again and again, and then wondering, at 2pm, where my day went.

Worst of all, I’m a person that moves through life with a momentum that pulls others along behind me.  And lately, I kinda feel like I’m out in the middle of a great big ocean, with no chance of finding the new land I was aiming for.  But it feels like I’m stranding other people now and I don’t like that feeling.

Momentum is working out where you’re going and I think that’s the biggest thing for me right now.  I need to work out which map I’m working from – someone else’s or my own.  If I’m working from someone else’s, where can I adapt it so it’s all mine – or if I’m going to dive on in headlong and do it all myself, I need to work out where I want to go – there are *so many* choices right now.

What I do know is tomorrow begins my ninth Nanowrimo.  I’m really looking forward to it.  It gives me another month to work out and plan the roller coaster that is about to be my life.  One way or another, things will start resolving and working out the way I want to.

Plans are coming soon, though.  I’m happy to report there *is* a plan, but it’s difficult to see whether it’s the right choice right now.  So I’m going to have a bit of fun with my writing for a bit, and see where that takes me.  It’s too easy for me to lose sight of what I wanted to do when I started out online – which was writing.  I’ve gone all over the web since, looking for something that’s ‘all me’ but what I am, underneath it all, is a writer.

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Who am I?

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Cricket asked this and at first, I thought, ah, well, that’s easy.

I’m tech support.  I’m a writer.  I’m an extremely clever woman.  I’m a graduate of Creative Writing.
I’m a mother.  I’m the woman that’s dating one of the most amazing men in the world, bar none.  I’m close friend to people that I can’t mention by name, because my privacy and theirs is worth more than the street cred it might get me.

But that’s all very ‘external’ and perception based.

So, I tried to go a little deeper.  My name isn’t Kai, but it’s what everyone bar my family and a very few friends call me.  My last name also isn’t Viola – yet.  It’s not that we don’t intend to get married, it’s just that the practicality and expense of it all – it’s not only overwhelming, it’s so huge that I just can’t look at it.  At all.
I’m nearly 33.  Mother to two wonderful children here with me and one that had a name that passed over at ten weeks pregnant. Empty shell right now, because I can’t, for the life of me get and remain pregnant, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind a lot.

And that leads to thoughts of failure and loss.  And I’m that too.  I failed to do what was expected of me – many times.  Hindsight being what it is, I know now that some of my difficulties are trying to function as ‘normal’ when I’m anything but.  I’m an extraordinary woman, not least because I have bipolar disorder.  It’s not just a disorder though, it’s shaped my whole perspective, personality and way of life.  I have a fair idea what the day is going to bring when I wake up, but there’s always that rogue chance I’ll be off cycle, and anxiety, which I always pretty much accepted as background noise is something that’s slowly becoming less like a sly whisper in the back of my head and a shout that drowns out everything *out there*.  And I know some of that is to do with my thought pattern.
Ans the language I use, which is something else that I am.  I am a language Geek.  Capital G. I love linguistics and have found my favourite field in linguistics to study, if only I could find the money to do it.
Some of the reason I failed though was fear.  Whether I accept I’m paralysed by it, or have a world to create around it, shielding myself from the things that make me feel that way remains to be seen, but what I do know right now is that I dislike it.  A lot.  I’m afraid of everything.
Afraid people will see through me and realise I’m a fraud.
Afraid that people will find that out, and tell others.
Afraid that what I’m doing is somehow *not enough* and that when it comes down to it, my life will be a series of moments that I missed.

It’s still external and tied to an event though.  And if that’s all I am, a series of events, doesn’t that make me a series of moments, and though I can’t say that the good always outweigh the bad on a year to year basis, there are more neutral to good days in our house.  So, doesn’t that make me mostly neutral good? (Or lawful-neutral for our gaming readers ;) )  But that’s not me either.  Because those moments, even if they were instigated, orchestrated and meticulously recorded by only me, are still external.

Who am I?

I’m Kai.  I’m not perfect, and I know that deep inside of me there’s a crack that I skillfully and artfully make people ignore,much like the hole in Amelia Pond’s wall.  I am a geek, and the carrier of worlds that, lets me fair, only currently exist in a very warped mind, bundled up in fair, freckled skin, vibrant red hair, and a body that ends up in corsets a lot less regularly than I’d wish for.  I’m NOT famous, and doing my level best to keep it that way, but I am a writer and artist.  A good one if my degree is to be believed, and those that have pried my stories off of my hard drive can tell.
I leave a legacy in my kids of an amazing pair of children, with strong personalities – a legacy I currently get to enjoy each and every day, so I’m a shaper of the future, no matter how transient that influence, and I’m a good friend, who goes out of her way to do what she can to help, protect and support those she cares about, though, I fail quite often at that too.

I’m learning.  I’m Kai.

Of bright lights and disappointments…

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We are, to all intents and purposes, one month after ‘the Watershed‘

And there’s a couple of things that have changed since then – some for the better, some in a different way and with no impact.  One for the worse.

As the last post explained, I finally graduated.  What the last post barely touches on is why it’s taken so long to get to that point.  And, y’know, I wish I could point at everything I’ve been up to recently and say ‘see, good reason’, but the truth is,  the reason, though, probably, a valid one, isn’t a ‘good’ one by any stretch of the imagination.  Focusing on the positive though – I graduated.  I’m delighted that I graduated.  I’m trying to decide if I want to go to the ceremony where our degrees are officially conferred – right now it’s looking at least an option.

Other improvements include taking on better paying work, in some cases.  I *love* copywriting – but what I don’t love is the fact that I’m basically at the mercy of clients.  Most are darlings – but some leave a lot to be desired.  And when I’m having to be draconian about billing practices, I know something has gone wrong.  And that’s the problem – there’s no give in my billing.  And for those that know why, don’t even say it in public – it’s not necessary.  I’ve taken steps to remedy that, in the form of http://indieunbound.com :)  I’m now officially and formally an editor as well as a copywriter, using my experience as a writer and graduate to support indie writers in creating a product that works for them – and the market.  It’s good, and in the last few days, I’ve already managed to book clients till our holiday in October, which is just stellar.

Other than that, I’m working on finishing up my websites and setting up regular spots for blogging, fixing my timetable to balance stuff (though, I’m slowly coming to the realisation I can either have a quiet life OR work really hard – there’s no doubling up and earning both) and slowly resolving everything that needs to be resolved.

The negative?  other than a couple of outlines, I’m still not writing.  And that sucks.  But I think  I have a solution to that too – one, that if I can keep up with the editing client bookings, will give me the best of all worlds and allow me to be the last piece of the puzzle that is me.  I have to find my way back to fiction writing, or there’s no point in freelancing the way I do.  I could, instead use my degree on something else, and let go of the idea of being an author – and to be honest, that all or nothing decision makes me more worried than any other choice I could ever make.

I guess the last thing I need to talk about is ‘what’s next’?  I already miss university desperately – I’ve never felt more at ease in an establishment in my life, and I want to go back to that at some point.  So, realistically, some of the money I make editing and writing is going back into ‘me’, and in turn, making me a better writer and editor, via my MA plans.  Ideally, I’d like to do linguistics of some kind, rather than a wholly creative project, but ultimately, I guess I’ll need to see what is available to me, and how long it’ll take me to save for it.  For now, all of my energy is going into clearing up the last of the server costs I was left with, sorting out new hosting for that secondary account, and building a buffer of savings for my family.  Editing and copywriting together are a good combination, especially if I can keep streamlining my time and using it to the best effect.

Now though?  Work beacons.  Laters ;)

Degree confirmation

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As many of you know, I’ve spent the last four years doing a degree in Creative writing, with a side of psychology.  It’s been a long road, especially after I fell and banged my head.
But, to the credit of the University of Gloucestershire, and my tutors, we got through it – they were amazingly supportive and helpful and made sure I was in the best position possible to make my degree work for me.  I can’t praise them enough.

But – I’m delighted to confirm that I got a 2:1.

So, now I’m a graduate.  Wooohooo!

The new schedule

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Nov 22 059So, yeah, I’m still on writing burnout, at least for fiction.  I’m a bit concerned about that actually –  there’s no ideas, no flashes of ‘oooh, I wanna write *that*’… nothing.

But, there is the niggling nagging feeling that I should at least get my life back into a ‘productive’ space instead of sitting on the couch for days and thinking ‘why me’.  I guess the ‘why me’ isn’t the right question.  ‘What can I do to fix it’ is the real question.

In all of this drive, I’ve lost most of my passions.  The blogs that I’m most passionate about?  Fallen to the wayside as I keep my head above water.  Finished my dissertation, and all that seemed to fill it?  Moping.

The new schedule

When I say ‘schedule’, I’m, for now, not looking at the list on my plate, and then slotting stuff in.  I’m also not going to say ‘I’m using these blogs to ‘warm up’ in the morning.  In fact, I’m going to do my level best to get a bit ahead with the evergreen stuff and pick up the information that’s not evergreen and post it as and when required.  I’ve got special plugins that do stuff with queued content and works with what I’m doing.

But there’s a certain… need to actually say ‘well, this is what I’m doing’.

The blogs

http://kaiberie.com  (this one)

http://literary-forensics.com/ –  which, bar the information posts, is going to restart.  Literary Forensics is a bit of editing, a bit of language, a bit about etymology, and a lot about the ‘language’ of crime.  It’ll feature crime and thriller writer interviews too, alongside a non fiction book sometime early in the new year.

http://bi-polarbears.com -it’s probably not particularly well in the communities I’m involved with right now, but I write a mental health blog.  I’m not very good at writing on a schedule though, and that’s something I’d like to change.  Again, there’s a book associated with this blog.

http://indieunbound.com  –  it’s a bit about editing, a bit about writing.

and finally –  http://indieauthorcommunity.com –  which actually encompasses something like six mini blogs, but still…

Other projects

I’ve got a couple of other projects to deal with, including setting up some sites for some projects, and writing content to achieve that.  One of them is ‘indieauthoraide’, a site designed to support indie authors in accessing everything they need.  But it’s quite a big…if not one of the biggest projects I’ve undertaken, and actually needs planned. Needs to ask people to come help too.  But that’s the underlying structure.

30 hours of copywriting, with the company I work for, and those blogs.  I think it’s a good underlying structure to go for.

 

Making time for…

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Ok, so, officially, and as I’ll post later, I do, definitely have a form of burnout.
Yes doctor, I’m well aware that I shouldn’t be straining creative muscles, but we’ve still got to eat, so I *am* still copywriting.  And editing.

One thing though, that’s been bothering me about all of this is I’m still ‘making time for’.  I’m still working from the minute I get to my laptop, till around midnight (right now).  I’m still trying to find my way through a minefield of supporting those I love, and reassuring them that actually, I’m ok.  Still trying to prioritize what is and isn’t important to me and planning not only accordingly, but working out what that accordingly actually is.

Getting back into ‘the swing’ – and being a sultan!

Bad musical reference there, my apologies.  The fact of the matter is though, I’m the queen of my own happy little paradise.  I’m the one that makes the choices, and the bed, and I’m the one that lives with whatever happens next.  It shouldn’t be as difficult as it is, and that’s why I know this is burnout not something else.  Still the power is in my hands to fix this! and right now, being fair, there’s nothing *to* fix. I like free-floating for a while.  I don’t like feeling so creatively drowned, drained and burned through that there’s nothing left, and I’m really beginning to resent the ‘I thought you were superwoman’ conversations, because, another fact is in all of the time people have known me, I’ve NEVER broken like this.  In nearly 33 years on this earth, and nearly 29 years of writing stories, I’ve never been so burned out that my brain isn’t processing stories.  So to those ‘friends’ – quit it, or leave my circle of friends and watch from the sidelines, where you belong.

I never did understand haters…

It’s not that I can’t understand how or why someone could be that nasty – I genuinely don’t get the concept of ‘haters’.  I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that the friends I have are the most valuable people in my world and that these people have power over me.  But, this last week, what I’ve worked out, and am still reconciling into the whole conscious thought pattern that runs through my head is that the only opinion that matters, primarily is mine.  I’m not superhuman, but I’m not average either and that’s ok.  But at some point I will go back to being the whirlwind I’ve been, and until then….
I’m not going to give anyone the crap about ‘rising from the ashes’ or anything else.  I’m not licking wounds, or even, really worrying about anything right now.  It’s not because I’m fragile, but because I’ve finally pulled my life to a complete stop, I think, for a while, I’m going to keep it here.  Maybe in another week, once the kids are settled in school and we’re at the point where they’ve both had their first week, and we know what’s coming in a very basic way, maybe then I can look at picking up the stories that want told, and fit them in where they belong.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it’ll take longer than that.
But you know what – that’s ok too.  It’s not even down to my health being more important than ‘the stories’ because deep down, I know that’s not true – what’s more important to me right now is ensuring that I’m doing the stories the justice they deserve, and emotionally, I’ve got a lot to process and new things to learn and integrate, but I can do it – and more importantly, it’s valuable, and worth it.

But, there’s three  four things I want to make time for.

1) Podcasts – I used to listen to various podcasts and stopped.  I think I’m really losing out so as soon as the laptop comes back repaired, it’s a clean install, and one of the first things that iTunes is getting is my podcasts.

2) Reading – I’m reading before bed every night.  I’m going to do that more during the day, perhaps over lunch (and actually eat properly too!)

3)Knitting – I really miss knitting.  I need to do more of it, and I’m going to make sure that part of my weekends are now *dedicated* to that.

4) MMORPG – still looking for one to play, but I want a game that I can immerse myself in again.

You might wonder where writing is on that list.  For now – it’s not.  This is stuff that I want to slot in around work – around fiction, around non fiction.  Part of my life rebalance.

Faster than light mind

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One of the problems I’ve had lately is I think too fast – and I can’t slow my brain down for trying.  And over the last few days – since I started cutting most all ties that have either held me down or gotten in the way of the clarity I’ve been seeking – since London really – and I’ve worked with every which way I could think of to fix this without doing the big red reset.

Big red button….

There’s a running joke in our house that there’s a big red reset button that is connected to the coffee machine – because if it was connected to anything else, I’d be constantly, always fixing the things I lost my temper with and spending more time fixing what I undid.  But, as I said on Friday, I’ve had enough.  And in acknowledging that, by Monday, I’d made more decisions that had changed, basically, how I view my online life.
Some of it – is temporary. I’m temporarily not moderating – and temporarily  not even on the group(s) in question.  I’d unhesitatingly recommend them to any indie writers looking for a support system, and an honest perspective on the Indie community, but, right now, my honest perspective on my own life is pulling me down faster than I can blink, I don’t need to be in a position where I feel like I should be helping people constantly.  And that’s more me than them, but god’s honest truth, I’m not responsible for anyone other than me and my household.  Beyond that, I can help people, but I can’t make them do what I’m suggesting.  Whether I know that’s the solution they need or not.

That was a bit of an epiphany.

A bigger one was that though I’m stupidly bummed that I’ve had to take myself off of the moderating duties ‘etc’ that I’ve had for, well, since the main group was formed, I’m actually ok right now.  I cut everything back.  No moderating at all for the next week minimum.  Copywriting jobs only as and when I’m asked – I’m not looking for extra jobs right now.  Short term that’s going to really hit me where it hurts (i.e my wallet) but I can get around that pretty much in one of two ways.  One is to edit more, which I’m quite enjoying, and the other is to cut costs – which, perversely I’m also quite enjoying.  It’s nice to see where we can save money, and ensure that we’re making sure that, as a family, we’re meeting our expenses and saving up for things.  I’ve of course invested in editing already, and the only thing left for many of my books is my book cover, so things aren’t difficult on my work front.

And that’s where my faster than light mind comes in.  Goal setting is difficult for me because I don’t ‘live’ in the present.  The other running joke to do with how fast I think is that the reason I don’t really cope with the present is because my brain goes so fast it’s already, physically, somewhere in the future.  Like the past is eight minutes old in my head, and I’m ‘beaming back’.
Going by that logic, you’d think I’d be able to predict the trouble I get into, but as with many things to do with time, perception and understanding the world, it’s an illusion.  I could talk about how I can see certain events coming with scary regularity, but that’s just because I expect the worst and am pleasantly surprised to encounter something that isn’t as bad as I could predict.
But…. I’m always having to think about ten steps ahead to make sure I fit everything in, and that’s probably been my downfall lately.  Yep, I know what I’m doing in ten steps time, but I’m at a difficult point in everything that I’m dealing with, and I can’t be ahead.  I need to be here.  it’s another of those things I suspect is to do with my mental health, I’ve always been a bit of a daydreamer and always more focussed on my future than what was going on around me – it’s part comfort.  And while I work very hard to ensure that my time is filled, if I’m not busy,  I back slide into daydreaming and becoming even less productive.  Not difficult right now, I’m barely doing anything, but that way also lies depression.
And that was the second epiphany – and why I quit from all of the groups I’m involved with, and I’m considering what my next – essential stages are.  It’s only temporarily.  And it’s not even ten more steps away.

My single strand

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Kätzchen

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Chris Brogan spoke about this yesterday, quite serendipitously, but I’ve been thinking about it – a lot – myself lately.  What’s the core of my being.  When I remove everything from around me that isn’t dependent on relationships, isn’t dependant on circumstance and isn’t dependant on expectation, what’s left for me?  And only me?

Removing ‘stuff’ first 

The single strand at the centre of my being isn’t my kids.  They are my world, but they don’t define me.  Just like I don’t define them.  Similarly, my relationships aren’t the single strand at the centre of me, though they are very important, and if we were looking at weaving something from the bits in the middle of me, they’d be one of the foundation threads.  I can’t do what I do without the support of the people around me.  But, if we’re looking at single strands, as defined by Chris, then it’s something internal, not external.

At first…
At first I thought it was blogging – after all – that’s who I am.  I blog.  Except, it’s not.  Not any more.  I spend more time copywriting than blogging writing by a factor of about ten to one.   It’s still a core of my  being, but it’s not *the* core.  It’s not the element at the center of me, as much as I wish it was.
And then, I looked into whether it was copywriting –  it’s my job and I’m very passionate about it – but again, that’s not me.  I kinda feel like a cat with a ball of string – I grapple with it, but I couldn’t see myself doing it as the only writing thing ever.  And while both fulfil a lot of the time I spend online, they’re not the only thing I do.

More recent developments

I’ve started editing – which makes me an editor officially now.  I’m about to finish my second contract (probably today or tomorrow) officially, and I’ve edited for places like Scribe and Quill and other sites for years now.   But again, it feels kinda like my job, not my career – not to mention, to make sure that I help people with their books, my prices are tiny right now. I still love it, but it’s not something that I’m entirely interested in doing for the rest of my life.
I’m passionate about many things – mental health being key among them – WordPress being another one.   It’s important to be passionate, but passion, those passions, aren’t my core.  They colour what I do though, and that’s cool.

Hobbies

So, is my single strand my hobbies?  Photography?  Knitting?  Cross Stitch?  Gaming?  But, if I go into those, when I find that I’m bored of them, or I’ve perfected them, or I can’t ‘do’ them for any reason, then that might mean that I give in and have no single strand.

And that, your honor, is when we uncovered the vital evidence

Writing is at the core of almost everything I do.  Even coding when you look at it is writing of some description – but my passion – at the core of my being is writing.  Be it fiction or non fiction, I’m passionate about *books* and linguistics, and writing and … and… and…

My single strand isn’t so much a strand – it’s a sentence.
I am a writer.