Category Archives: Personality

Greif

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It’s a funny thing grief. Especially if there’s no obvious reason for it – like someone you love dying, or losing something that’s so important to you that you just can’t stand it anymore.
Except…
I was reading a post on depression recently – one where the woman talked about thinking she was out of the woods, but instead discovered she’d just found the wrong perspective. Raise your chin a bit and look…oh, more woods….and everything she was saying was what I was going through. The absolute lack of motivation – hours at a time staring at the walls in the room that I’m in – the extreme tiredness – the slipping deadlines. The works.

It’s one of those slogs I just don’t want to think about.
I’ve spent the last few weeks letting everyone down. The ingenious me – you know, the smart loon that wouldn’t take ‘no computer’ for an answer when she started writing – wouldn’t have let breaking my glasses slow me down. And I wouldn’t spend every evening curled up in the guest room, just so I wasn’t too far away from the other half. Why *he’s* in the guest room – we bought collector’s editions of Star Wars recently, and both started playing. I’m very much a casual gamer – I could care less about Star Wars: The old republic but I’m playing it because it’s better than sitting and looking at the room and thinking ‘empty, like me’.
But I’m not the ingenious me. I’m not the clever me. I’m slow and moribund and mired me. And that me can’t be bothered.

So, I guess this is where I own up.
For the last….well, year unofficially, but since July with my doctor’s hesitant blessing, David (my fiancée) and I have been trying to get pregnant. And succeeded. And lost the baby… well, babies, separately I guess, very early into the pregnancy. Twice.
There’s no medical reason for it. Not obvious anyway – all of my blood test results were nigh on perfect, which, in and of itself, is a miracle for me. In the UK, according to most of what I’ve read, you try for a year or three miscarriages, and then you might get referred to a specialist. It even has a name – secondary infertility (secondary because I have two children from a previous relationship).
And I guess that’s why I’m grieving. There’s a lot of guessing going on though. There’s *other stuff* – as there always is, but
Except….
Society doesn’t acknowledge that sort of grief properly. Infertile women are treated like glass houses in some ways – and those of us that get pregnant only to lose the child early on are told stupid things like ‘what is meant to happen, will’ and ‘you’ll be able to do it again’. Or, the kicker for me – ‘well, be grateful you’ve got…’.
Yes, I have two children already – I’m grateful for that. Doesn’t stop me being devastated when the life I’m carrying dies. Just because they weren’t big enough to survive doesn’t mean I can’t miss them.
And there’s no comfort in words like ‘if it was meant to be…’ That’s like telling someone that’s working that they could have had their wages, ‘if it were meant to be…’. It’s like telling someone that lost everything that it’s part of the plan (and yes, I know people say that too – I don’t).
And I know it’s not meant to be mean. I know it’s not meant to be horrible. I know it’s not meant to make me feel like curling up and sitting on my hands so I don’t start scratching till I bleed, or go running back to the medication I’ve fought this last year to stay clear of. I know.
But we’re not allowed to grieve. Whenever I try at least, I’ve got two friends that insist on turning it into ‘I had a horrible pregnancy, at least you’re not going through that right now’ (what I wouldn’t GIVE to be going through a horrible pregnancy instead of losing them right at the start). I’ve got several friends who are pregnant, and I’m delighted for, but I can’t talk to, because I can’t grieve around *them* – that’s not exactly fair on them, is it. And then I’ve got those really stupidly insensitive friends that point out I’m disabled, my youngest has problems, and I’m barely holding my life together now, do I really believe adding a baby to that mix will work?
Short answer – who knows?
This also isn’t me saying ‘I won’t work’. When you’re an adult you genuinely don’t get *that* choice. But it is a bit of a heads-up. I need space to grieve instead of feeling as if I’m holding the bag for everyone and everything else. I need a bit or room to myself.

Birthdays and stuff

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Normally, I do my ‘birthday’ update on or around my birthday – but I’m a couple of days late this  year.  And with good (ish) reason.
On the 8th of this year I graduated officially.  And so began a week of visits and catching up with friends and family.  Unfortunately, so also began a week of random exhaustion and a horrible rash that’s over most of the front of my neck and up one shoulder.

The rash
The rash itself isn’t actually too bad now, other than it itches like mad.  I’m itchy in various places to be fair, but it’s all mostly associated with one side of my body.  I spent Monday rearranging my conservatory, and sorting out the house –  Tuesday – I graduated – Wednesday and a docs visit saw me picking up meds, but little else.  I started needing about 200% more sleep.   Thursday, mom came back from Egypt, and visited.  Friday, Keith arrived, and Saturday….

Well, Saturday was supposed to be my book launch, my big birthday *bash* and my graduation celebration.  It ended up being coffee in the morning with my nanoees, napping most of the rest of the day, before landing in the out of hours service at 5:30.  Which lead to ‘you have meningeal symptoms (stiff neck, headache, bright lights bothering me, nausea, no temperature though), go to the ER’, which led to ‘the heck no’ conversation that comes up whenever I land in the Gloucester hospital.  I eventually talked my other half into letting me go home for my birthday party – which, in the end was food, chatter and watching some cartoons.  And then I slept.  I did much of the same on Sunday.
And yesterday.
As of 11am this morning I’m still randomly needing to nap for an hour or two after only being up for a few hours, I’m stiff, I’m tired, but I’m still working.

Not quite the way I wanted to celebrate my 33rd birthday, but it let me have a think about several things, and, as Glass Block was signed up with a press, I’ve got space now till February to pursue something fun.  So I am.

Who am I?

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Cricket asked this and at first, I thought, ah, well, that’s easy.

I’m tech support.  I’m a writer.  I’m an extremely clever woman.  I’m a graduate of Creative Writing.
I’m a mother.  I’m the woman that’s dating one of the most amazing men in the world, bar none.  I’m close friend to people that I can’t mention by name, because my privacy and theirs is worth more than the street cred it might get me.

But that’s all very ‘external’ and perception based.

So, I tried to go a little deeper.  My name isn’t Kai, but it’s what everyone bar my family and a very few friends call me.  My last name also isn’t Viola – yet.  It’s not that we don’t intend to get married, it’s just that the practicality and expense of it all – it’s not only overwhelming, it’s so huge that I just can’t look at it.  At all.
I’m nearly 33.  Mother to two wonderful children here with me and one that had a name that passed over at ten weeks pregnant. Empty shell right now, because I can’t, for the life of me get and remain pregnant, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my mind a lot.

And that leads to thoughts of failure and loss.  And I’m that too.  I failed to do what was expected of me – many times.  Hindsight being what it is, I know now that some of my difficulties are trying to function as ‘normal’ when I’m anything but.  I’m an extraordinary woman, not least because I have bipolar disorder.  It’s not just a disorder though, it’s shaped my whole perspective, personality and way of life.  I have a fair idea what the day is going to bring when I wake up, but there’s always that rogue chance I’ll be off cycle, and anxiety, which I always pretty much accepted as background noise is something that’s slowly becoming less like a sly whisper in the back of my head and a shout that drowns out everything *out there*.  And I know some of that is to do with my thought pattern.
Ans the language I use, which is something else that I am.  I am a language Geek.  Capital G. I love linguistics and have found my favourite field in linguistics to study, if only I could find the money to do it.
Some of the reason I failed though was fear.  Whether I accept I’m paralysed by it, or have a world to create around it, shielding myself from the things that make me feel that way remains to be seen, but what I do know right now is that I dislike it.  A lot.  I’m afraid of everything.
Afraid people will see through me and realise I’m a fraud.
Afraid that people will find that out, and tell others.
Afraid that what I’m doing is somehow *not enough* and that when it comes down to it, my life will be a series of moments that I missed.

It’s still external and tied to an event though.  And if that’s all I am, a series of events, doesn’t that make me a series of moments, and though I can’t say that the good always outweigh the bad on a year to year basis, there are more neutral to good days in our house.  So, doesn’t that make me mostly neutral good? (Or lawful-neutral for our gaming readers ;) )  But that’s not me either.  Because those moments, even if they were instigated, orchestrated and meticulously recorded by only me, are still external.

Who am I?

I’m Kai.  I’m not perfect, and I know that deep inside of me there’s a crack that I skillfully and artfully make people ignore,much like the hole in Amelia Pond’s wall.  I am a geek, and the carrier of worlds that, lets me fair, only currently exist in a very warped mind, bundled up in fair, freckled skin, vibrant red hair, and a body that ends up in corsets a lot less regularly than I’d wish for.  I’m NOT famous, and doing my level best to keep it that way, but I am a writer and artist.  A good one if my degree is to be believed, and those that have pried my stories off of my hard drive can tell.
I leave a legacy in my kids of an amazing pair of children, with strong personalities – a legacy I currently get to enjoy each and every day, so I’m a shaper of the future, no matter how transient that influence, and I’m a good friend, who goes out of her way to do what she can to help, protect and support those she cares about, though, I fail quite often at that too.

I’m learning.  I’m Kai.

Degree confirmation

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As many of you know, I’ve spent the last four years doing a degree in Creative writing, with a side of psychology.  It’s been a long road, especially after I fell and banged my head.
But, to the credit of the University of Gloucestershire, and my tutors, we got through it – they were amazingly supportive and helpful and made sure I was in the best position possible to make my degree work for me.  I can’t praise them enough.

But – I’m delighted to confirm that I got a 2:1.

So, now I’m a graduate.  Wooohooo!

reorganisation

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I’m beginning to start importing some of the stuff that I’ve had on other sites, so the archives will kinda start filling out.  Kai-0-9-tales.com is now merged onto here, so if you were looking for posts from there, the links should work again :)

Other than that, there’s a bit of reorganisation going on – I’ve got books to write, and lesson plans to fix and a whole pile of other stuff to take care of.  So, I should be back with my big, ten year as a professional writer project very soon!

The new schedule

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Nov 22 059So, yeah, I’m still on writing burnout, at least for fiction.  I’m a bit concerned about that actually –  there’s no ideas, no flashes of ‘oooh, I wanna write *that*’… nothing.

But, there is the niggling nagging feeling that I should at least get my life back into a ‘productive’ space instead of sitting on the couch for days and thinking ‘why me’.  I guess the ‘why me’ isn’t the right question.  ‘What can I do to fix it’ is the real question.

In all of this drive, I’ve lost most of my passions.  The blogs that I’m most passionate about?  Fallen to the wayside as I keep my head above water.  Finished my dissertation, and all that seemed to fill it?  Moping.

The new schedule

When I say ‘schedule’, I’m, for now, not looking at the list on my plate, and then slotting stuff in.  I’m also not going to say ‘I’m using these blogs to ‘warm up’ in the morning.  In fact, I’m going to do my level best to get a bit ahead with the evergreen stuff and pick up the information that’s not evergreen and post it as and when required.  I’ve got special plugins that do stuff with queued content and works with what I’m doing.

But there’s a certain… need to actually say ‘well, this is what I’m doing’.

The blogs

http://kaiberie.com  (this one)

http://literary-forensics.com/ –  which, bar the information posts, is going to restart.  Literary Forensics is a bit of editing, a bit of language, a bit about etymology, and a lot about the ‘language’ of crime.  It’ll feature crime and thriller writer interviews too, alongside a non fiction book sometime early in the new year.

http://bi-polarbears.com -it’s probably not particularly well in the communities I’m involved with right now, but I write a mental health blog.  I’m not very good at writing on a schedule though, and that’s something I’d like to change.  Again, there’s a book associated with this blog.

http://indieunbound.com  –  it’s a bit about editing, a bit about writing.

and finally –  http://indieauthorcommunity.com –  which actually encompasses something like six mini blogs, but still…

Other projects

I’ve got a couple of other projects to deal with, including setting up some sites for some projects, and writing content to achieve that.  One of them is ‘indieauthoraide’, a site designed to support indie authors in accessing everything they need.  But it’s quite a big…if not one of the biggest projects I’ve undertaken, and actually needs planned. Needs to ask people to come help too.  But that’s the underlying structure.

30 hours of copywriting, with the company I work for, and those blogs.  I think it’s a good underlying structure to go for.

 

Faster than light mind

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One of the problems I’ve had lately is I think too fast – and I can’t slow my brain down for trying.  And over the last few days – since I started cutting most all ties that have either held me down or gotten in the way of the clarity I’ve been seeking – since London really – and I’ve worked with every which way I could think of to fix this without doing the big red reset.

Big red button….

There’s a running joke in our house that there’s a big red reset button that is connected to the coffee machine – because if it was connected to anything else, I’d be constantly, always fixing the things I lost my temper with and spending more time fixing what I undid.  But, as I said on Friday, I’ve had enough.  And in acknowledging that, by Monday, I’d made more decisions that had changed, basically, how I view my online life.
Some of it – is temporary. I’m temporarily not moderating – and temporarily  not even on the group(s) in question.  I’d unhesitatingly recommend them to any indie writers looking for a support system, and an honest perspective on the Indie community, but, right now, my honest perspective on my own life is pulling me down faster than I can blink, I don’t need to be in a position where I feel like I should be helping people constantly.  And that’s more me than them, but god’s honest truth, I’m not responsible for anyone other than me and my household.  Beyond that, I can help people, but I can’t make them do what I’m suggesting.  Whether I know that’s the solution they need or not.

That was a bit of an epiphany.

A bigger one was that though I’m stupidly bummed that I’ve had to take myself off of the moderating duties ‘etc’ that I’ve had for, well, since the main group was formed, I’m actually ok right now.  I cut everything back.  No moderating at all for the next week minimum.  Copywriting jobs only as and when I’m asked – I’m not looking for extra jobs right now.  Short term that’s going to really hit me where it hurts (i.e my wallet) but I can get around that pretty much in one of two ways.  One is to edit more, which I’m quite enjoying, and the other is to cut costs – which, perversely I’m also quite enjoying.  It’s nice to see where we can save money, and ensure that we’re making sure that, as a family, we’re meeting our expenses and saving up for things.  I’ve of course invested in editing already, and the only thing left for many of my books is my book cover, so things aren’t difficult on my work front.

And that’s where my faster than light mind comes in.  Goal setting is difficult for me because I don’t ‘live’ in the present.  The other running joke to do with how fast I think is that the reason I don’t really cope with the present is because my brain goes so fast it’s already, physically, somewhere in the future.  Like the past is eight minutes old in my head, and I’m ‘beaming back’.
Going by that logic, you’d think I’d be able to predict the trouble I get into, but as with many things to do with time, perception and understanding the world, it’s an illusion.  I could talk about how I can see certain events coming with scary regularity, but that’s just because I expect the worst and am pleasantly surprised to encounter something that isn’t as bad as I could predict.
But…. I’m always having to think about ten steps ahead to make sure I fit everything in, and that’s probably been my downfall lately.  Yep, I know what I’m doing in ten steps time, but I’m at a difficult point in everything that I’m dealing with, and I can’t be ahead.  I need to be here.  it’s another of those things I suspect is to do with my mental health, I’ve always been a bit of a daydreamer and always more focussed on my future than what was going on around me – it’s part comfort.  And while I work very hard to ensure that my time is filled, if I’m not busy,  I back slide into daydreaming and becoming even less productive.  Not difficult right now, I’m barely doing anything, but that way also lies depression.
And that was the second epiphany – and why I quit from all of the groups I’m involved with, and I’m considering what my next – essential stages are.  It’s only temporarily.  And it’s not even ten more steps away.

My single strand

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Kätzchen

Image via Wikipedia

Chris Brogan spoke about this yesterday, quite serendipitously, but I’ve been thinking about it – a lot – myself lately.  What’s the core of my being.  When I remove everything from around me that isn’t dependent on relationships, isn’t dependant on circumstance and isn’t dependant on expectation, what’s left for me?  And only me?

Removing ‘stuff’ first 

The single strand at the centre of my being isn’t my kids.  They are my world, but they don’t define me.  Just like I don’t define them.  Similarly, my relationships aren’t the single strand at the centre of me, though they are very important, and if we were looking at weaving something from the bits in the middle of me, they’d be one of the foundation threads.  I can’t do what I do without the support of the people around me.  But, if we’re looking at single strands, as defined by Chris, then it’s something internal, not external.

At first…
At first I thought it was blogging – after all – that’s who I am.  I blog.  Except, it’s not.  Not any more.  I spend more time copywriting than blogging writing by a factor of about ten to one.   It’s still a core of my  being, but it’s not *the* core.  It’s not the element at the center of me, as much as I wish it was.
And then, I looked into whether it was copywriting –  it’s my job and I’m very passionate about it – but again, that’s not me.  I kinda feel like a cat with a ball of string – I grapple with it, but I couldn’t see myself doing it as the only writing thing ever.  And while both fulfil a lot of the time I spend online, they’re not the only thing I do.

More recent developments

I’ve started editing – which makes me an editor officially now.  I’m about to finish my second contract (probably today or tomorrow) officially, and I’ve edited for places like Scribe and Quill and other sites for years now.   But again, it feels kinda like my job, not my career – not to mention, to make sure that I help people with their books, my prices are tiny right now. I still love it, but it’s not something that I’m entirely interested in doing for the rest of my life.
I’m passionate about many things – mental health being key among them – WordPress being another one.   It’s important to be passionate, but passion, those passions, aren’t my core.  They colour what I do though, and that’s cool.

Hobbies

So, is my single strand my hobbies?  Photography?  Knitting?  Cross Stitch?  Gaming?  But, if I go into those, when I find that I’m bored of them, or I’ve perfected them, or I can’t ‘do’ them for any reason, then that might mean that I give in and have no single strand.

And that, your honor, is when we uncovered the vital evidence

Writing is at the core of almost everything I do.  Even coding when you look at it is writing of some description – but my passion – at the core of my being is writing.  Be it fiction or non fiction, I’m passionate about *books* and linguistics, and writing and … and… and…

My single strand isn’t so much a strand – it’s a sentence.
I am a writer.

Kai’s ‘day in the life’

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I’ve thought about this a lot in the last three or four weeks – and every time I go to write it, I realise it’s difficult to pin down my ‘average’ day.  But Chris Brogan outlined his day, so I thought I’d give it a try ;)

There are a couple of commonalities, but it’s been difficult to tie everything into each other lately.  But I thought I’d give it a try.

My ‘job’.

I am a full-time writer.  So I copywrite, and if I’m not copywriting, I do other content for my blogs, or write fiction.  I’ve been off fiction for a while, but I’m working on most of it with a vengeance again.

The morning:

7am – if he doesn’t wake me up at 6:30, I wake up mostly naturally sometime between 7 and 7:30.  My first thing I do, and I hate, is check my email for messages overnight from my clients/the team I sub-contract with.  It means my morning might be started on a good note or not, depending on edits and stuff that have come in overnight.
I tend *not* to check in on Facebook unless I really need to.  I get the kids ready for school – and if I’m not feeling sick, I grab brekfast.  I’m trying to teach myself to do that more often, because I think my body confuses nausea with hunger first thing and it has a knock on effect.

8:30am – Kids are normally out the door by now – so I do email, and blogging and anything else I feel like.  Right now, in the morning I’m doing fiction writing and writing until lunch.  Today, and for the last six days, I’ve been working on my dissertation.  Next week, the kids go on holiday and I’ll be working on my novel for its final work through before handing in.
I do Facebook quite a lot during the morning, between writing, in snatches.
If I’m blocked, I blog.

Lunch

Lucky to stop for lunch – working from home means that I can do it whenever, but I normally forget.

Afternoon

In the afternoon, I’m a great copywriter.  I don’t know why the difference exists between morning and afternoon, but it is.  I write until around 4pm, when the kids get home.

Evening

In the evening, I’m on Facebook, I’m interacting with friends, I’m doing my best impression of a meerkat and listening to the world, with my head stuck above my ‘burrow’.   I collapse into bed around 11pm, after a hot bath, one last check on Facebook, and either games on my iPad, or one last bout of writing.  If I can’t sleep, I knit.

And Tuesday nights, I game with friends – we’re currently roleplaying through a 40K Rouge Trader game, where I’m the Captain.

Intermingled with all of this, I keep an eye on several self-publishing support groups on Facebook, and put the finishing touches on a lot of the things that I’m setting up for launch post dissertation (this Thursday to hand it in!)

Today’s tasks

  • 2 Blog posts for my client’s equality blogs
  • 4 blog posts to get my blogs ahead – including bi-polarbears 
  • 4k of my dissertation (2k writing and 2k editing)
  • Press release for DarknessPD.
  • Set-up for new community site for self publishers.
  • Chapter edits on two books for clients
And anything else that comes up ;)
My ‘takeaway’
One of the big things I’ve learned from Chris over the last years is there’s always a ‘take away’ – an underlying message that comes from what I know now versus what I knew the last time I did this.  The last time I did this I was signed off with a mental health disorder – and had just quit Uni for the year, and going back into the classes later in the year to try again.
I’ve come *a long way* since my last ‘day in the life’ post.  Seriously.  Things have changed so much – I own two limited companies in the UK and our last year’s turnover was great.
The takeaway?  I’ve come a long way – and I’ve got a lot to be proud of but there is no such thing as a regular day in the life of a fiction/copywriter. :)  Not for me anyway.
How about you?